“No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.”
~ Buddha” ~
My Unofficial, No Promises 30 Day Detox
As some of you know, I have been battling stress and extremely dark bouts of depression for about four and a half years. One of my defense mechanisms became a few drinks (beer or whiskey), most nights to wind down. That is how I justified it to anyone who asked if I drank and how much I drank.
It is not like I was getting falling down drunk or getting non-functioning, but I was drinking more. It is kind of sad that our society not only supports but strongly encourages this as a way to deal with everything. If you get stressed out, having a bad day or if you are socializing, celebrating something, have a drink.
A therapist who has been helping me through a really dark period suggested that I listen to This Naked Mind by Annie Grace on Audible. I downloaded it and began listening; my first response was, “this person was not listening to me at all, this book is for alcoholics”. During chapters two and three I realized that was not the case and I needed to listen closely. It was about the habits I was currently developing and justifying while heading down a possibly dangerous road.
I still have four ice cold beers in my refrigerator that I have not touched seeing that today is day 22 without a drink. I finished This Naked Mind and have been listening to The Alcohol Experiment ’30 Days Alcohol Free’ on the way to and from work. I am making no promises to anyone and only revealed to a handful of trusted people what I am doing (I guess until this is read).
I understand a little better what alcohol was doing to me and that I was using it to hide behind. Mostly I know now that it was the same as being taken advantage of my something that was pretending to be a trusted friend. A sneaky, untrustworthy, passive-aggressive lier that was trying to keep me in the dark place. Making me believe that it was the only safe place for me to be. Not to mention that alcohol was working against the anti-depressant I was taking and not safe to mix.
I have no way of knowing what the future will bring and I make no promises because I do not need pressure right now but, I feel more in control. I thank you, Annie Grace for writing the books and for your honesty. Summer will be tough I am sure because I will be around people and situations with plenty of alcohol, but that is a long way away. If I keep taking care of today, I will be fine. I feel some control over my life that I have not felt in a long time.
Thank you for reading this and hopefully understanding and for not judging me.
If you need help, please talk to someone. Asking for help is not a weakness.
