What If...I [Almost] Get What I Want? Changing from Negative to Positive Thinking.

"Instead of complaining that the rose bush is full of thorns, be happy the thorn bush has roses."

~ Proverb ~

What If...I Almost Get What I Want?Changing from Negative to Positive Thinking. 

What if...

For as many years as I have understood consequences and criticism I have worried about What if's. Every decision has begun with what if... I fail, I get it wrong, I look stupid, people laugh at me, along with a multitude of excuses/reasons. This has led to many years of almost taking the chance that could make things happen and really making a difference in life. 

If I had a nickel for every time I thought that there must be more rewarding ways to live my life and make a living. So many times I have caught myself over the years saying "I wish I could _____" or "I have always wanted to _____" and "if I could only _____", but, what if... I would have a very large pile of nickels.

How many times have the What if's that we feared most actually ever materialized? How many possibilities have these and other worries about What if's kept us from achieving? This is nothing but fear of something imagined keeping us from something real. It does not make much sense, but unfortunately this is how most of us live most of our days.

What if  we taught our children to believe in themselves and follow their dreams? How about teaching instead to look at the positive side by saying "What if  this works better than I imagined"? Teach them that everyone has fears but they do not need to let fear paralyze them and control their lives. I am not advocating acting foolishly on every thought or idea and ignoring gut feelings, only not to be controlled by negative thoughts.

What if before people become trapped in the debt cycle, we could learn it is unnecessary and avoidable? By the time we realize that material objects are useless in obtaining happiness, we are caught up in a never ending pattern of seemingly endless debt. Living a non-materialistic life does not mean being deprived or doing without. It simply means living with what you need and avoiding accumulating stuff for the sake of accumulating stuff.

What would you tell a seven year old who asked you "how can I make the world better?" or "how can I make a real difference?" Unfortunately, most of us could give them some advise but no tangible example to follow. We could tell them to follow their heart and dreams, but are we doing this? Ask What if...! 

As much as we desire to pursue certain dreams, we continue to stay where it is safe. Happiness does not enter into the equation when the risk is involved. We complain about a lack of opportunities while we are not even sure if we would take the chance if offered. What if we took a chance and it worked beyond our wildest dreams?

What if we did not fear failure, ridicule, or looking foolish? If we could do away with expectations and live each moment for what it is while accepting everything without labeling it as good or bad. As Shakespeare said "Why, then, 'tis none to you, for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so. To me this is a prison."

The prison is sometimes built by society or passed down through generations but it is maintained by us. As long as we use What if as a negative escape route we will never get out and break the cycle. Once again I ask, What if we took a chance and it worked beyond our wildest dreams?
    

First in Reverse or Last Mule to the Barn

“It hurts up to a point and then it doesn’t get any worse.”

~ Ann Trason ~

First in Reverse or Last Mule to the Barn

Yesterday I ran my first 25K trail run. It was a race for some, but for me it was a run with the intention of working on my mental attitude when things get tough. To be completely honest I should have done more long runs in my training; nevertheless, I had a decent base to accomplish my goal of finishing without getting frustrated.

Preparing for the run

Almost time to run

Before the race started I was talking with my wife and Bob about how many really good runners were in this race. It was clear that they were going to push the front of the pack along. I joked that they would be home showered with their feet up when I finished and I hoped not to be last but if I was, so be it. I received some advice from Eric Orton (www.runningwitheric.com) to be patient for the first 20K and try to blast the last 5K. So why not give it a try.

Through the rock wall

The start came and I held back because I did not want to get caught up in the initial push. We headed up Sander’s Mound and back down knowing that this would have to be done again at the end of the race. For the first few miles I settled into a comfortable pace with a small group and I was hoping we could stay together for most of the distance. Then we came to the first aid station which was also the 10K turnaround and I was not going to stop. One person in the group was doing the 10K and another was going to look for a band aid, so I stayed on the trail but hesitated since I didn’t know if they were all stopping. Two turned and two went past me.  I realized I didn’t know who was who because they were behind me and I did not know what they looked like. I waited for a minute and went on, and would be on my own for a while.

Mile 10

 I knew I was near the back of the pack but I worked to stay focused and keep my pace. After the halfway point I stuck an earbud in my right ear and turned on my trusty old ipod shuffle.  At that point I started walking the hills and running the flat and downhill sections (I turned off the ipod with a couple of miles left to focus on what I was doing).  By mile 12 I was now pretty sure that I was the last runner out there and was having some muscle spasms in my legs. I thought of the quote at the top of this page and knew that I was hurting but it was not going to get worse so I kept pushing on.

The intended blasting of the last 5K turned into determined forward progress. I came around the corner almost to mile 14 and in my head I was saying “Talk to me Goose”.  I looked up and saw my wife and one of the photographers from Mile90 photography (www.mile90.com). They were a sight for sore eyes and tired legs and gave me encouragement as I approached. I smiled at Kristen and said “what was that we were talking about being the last mule to the barn?

Coming to mile 14

Joking with Kristen about being the last mule to the barn

Now I came out to the turn that would lead me down the hill and up to the top of Sander’s Mound for the last time; then it was time for the home stretch back down and up two more hills to the finish. At the top of the mound I allowed myself a little celebratory moment throwing my arms in the air Rocky style. I thanked the photographer for waiting for me and headed for the finish.

Last trip down the mound

Headed for the barn

As I came up the last hill I saw my wife again and glanced at the nearly empty parking lot. I turned the last corner to a small but enthusiastic group of people cheering me in. I am pleased with my run and my longest trail event to date. Mostly I was able to work through some things that previously led to an unhappy death march to the finish. Even though I finished last, I actually feel better about the effort in this run than I have in other races. Thank you to everyone’s support and encouragement along the way. 

Sweeping Trails and Breakfast Lead to a 50 Mile Pact

"The clearest way into the Universe is through a forest wilderness."

~ John Muir ~

Sweeping trails and breakfast lead to a 50 Mile Pact

Me and Kristen

Always amazing Mile90 Photography

 My wife and I have recently teamed up as course sweeps for a couple of Trail Nerds races. For those of you who do not know what sweeping is, it means following along the course and demarking it, picking up trash and making sure no one is left behind. We have a good system where she goes ahead and picks up flags and I follow behind wearing a backpack to carry everything and pick up signs and the like. It is a great way to get some time on my feet on the trails without the pressures of a race, and the only way I can keep up with her.

Creative race distance sticker

It is so nice that we can do these activities together since we both enjoy the outdoors and each other’s company. I am grateful for the time we have to talk about the trails we are on, things we are thinking about or events going on in our lives. I love how nature has a way of allowing conversation to flow easier and freer most of the time. It also gives way to peaceful solitude while you are not alone, if the parties involved do not feel the need to always fill the air with unnecessary sounds.

This last time as we arrived at the park we saw an Eagle fly directly over us and later on the trail a Blue Heron flew over us and we encountered three deer. The deer looked surprised to see us; since we were sweeping they looked at us like “what the heck took you so long? Your herd went by a while ago.” They were not afraid of us, simply as curious as we were. Kristen and I stood there for a little while and just watched them watching us. Once they saw enough they moved on deeper into the woods and we got back to work.

We cruised along with our duties and explored along the way, enjoying the day. This course was a big loop with switchbacks and pretty nice single track trails. There were some rocks and roots but not too many…just enough though. This turned out to be my third run in two days and my legs were getting tired. As we got closer to the end I guess tired legs combined with relaxing my guard some led me to catching my toe on a small root and bouncing on the ground. With the backpack on and a handful of flags I was a little like a stranded turtle for a minute. My wife came back to check on me as I was assessing the damage (minimal) and I got up, dusted myself off and moved on. If you run trails you will fall.

Yes, I felt like this

Once we turned everything over and visited with the race director for a while we headed to the car. On the way up the hill to where we parked we realized it was time to find someplace to eat. There is little better than breakfast after a run in my books. So we headed to find a place to wash up, appease our hunger and relax. We rehashed our morning and continued our conversation on how much better it was to run because you want to versus when you have to while training for something.

I was telling Kristen that as much as I do not care about t-shirts and medals, there was one thing I would like before it is all said and done. I would really like to earn a belt buckle and my only chance was a 50 miler at the end of March. I am familiar with the course because I paced a friend there last year and covered thirty-one miles of it. I told her that the one thing I did not want her to do is go aid station to aid station like she did last year. Reason being this time I would not be doing it for someone else and I was afraid that it might be too easy to have her and the car there when things began to fall apart.

Turn around point for 50 miler

I have to be honest, I did not anticipate the next turn in the dialog. That is when she said “what if I do it with you.” What? Yes, that would be great! I could try to get some friends together and we could all look out for each other and get each other through it. Wow, you never know what you might talk about during or right after a good trail run. I already have a couple of people at least thinking about it. It is great bonding time when you are out there in the middle of nowhere and the layers peel away and you can be you! 

31 in 31 Challenge; Building a Foundation.

“If you have a positive attitude and constantly strive to give your best effort, eventually you will overcome your immediate problems and find you are ready for greater challenges.”

~ Pat Riley ~

As some of you know I decided to challenge myself to run at least a mile for every day in the month of October. I ran a total of 78.1 miles and 31 runs in 31 days. This challenge took on two fronts; the first being finding my joy of running again, and the second being cutting off my usual doldrums that hit me going into fall. For many years fall and winter have been rough times for me as far as moods go. I believe that Seasonal Affect Disorder (SAD) is a very real thing and with the shorter days and limited sun exposure I begin to struggle. Until this year (so far) with the renewed focus of lacing up my running shoes every day I am finding the cooler temperatures inviting and my legs seem to be recovering quicker as well. Also, being more flexible with my schedule is taking pressure off of getting out the door for runs, since I know I am going to run a mile and if I feel up to it I run more.

I honestly had no idea what to expect going into this challenge except that I wanted to build some good habits and enjoy running. Much to my (pleasant) surprise this month did not turn into a “have to do”, it was more of a “want to do” experience. It helped that my wife was on board and did it with me and I knew a couple other people who were giving it a go as well. I was able to run (at the same time) with my wife, with a few friends part of the time during the month and some alone with my thoughts. My wife and I were able to run a few miles with one of my very good friends, who I had not seen for a year on the morning of her wedding. There are few better places to get caught up with someone, than on a run. My final run this morning was my fastest mile of the month, at least fastest that I tracked. It is so amazing that I can wake up and feel sluggish, lethargic, both mentally and physically and after going for a morning run feel energized, less stressed and ready for anything. I still do not do as well on afternoon and evening runs as I do in the morning but I have gotten better lately.   

The shorter runs have also allowed me time to get used to running in my Brooks Pure Connect 2’s that are very light weight and only have a 4mm drop. So much that during a two week span I wore only my trail shoes or BPC2 and one morning grabbed my Asics because the other shoes were packed for a trip, and it felt like I was wearing combat boots during the beginning of my run. I did have one day that I woke up with a pretty intense headache and went to work; as the day progressed, the headache advanced to a migraine. I had my running clothes and shoes out hoping it would let up until I finally gave up at 7:30 when I closed the blinds and shut all the lights out, covered my eyes and went to bed. I woke up early and went out for a run before work and did run # 2 after work to make up for it.

I am using the shorter runs to trick myself into doing some speed work. On my long runs I am forcing myself to find a comfortable slow pace and stick with it. I realized that during all of my half marathons, I have gone out too fast and flamed out late in the run. I have said it before; I am not fast, if I can maintain a steady pace and not struggle to finish a long run I am okay with it being slow. Using the shorter runs for recovery as well as speed work has been working very well for me and seems to be allowing for better quality long runs. The test will be in November when I run my first 25K trail race. I hope to use this race as a building block to bring bigger goals more in focus, but I am not jumping ahead that far yet. I am going to continue to do what feels right for me and whatever happens, happens. 

It feels good to set a goal and not only accomplish it but to get others involved and maybe even inspired. I look forward to running into the fall and through the winter and speaking of winter; I already dug out a pair of my old road shoes and put screws in the bottom for traction so no excuses there. I plan to continue on similarly this month while increasing mileage and volunteering at more races.

I am also looking forward to hearing about everyone’s Thanksgiving Day of Activity and who you were able to get out of the house and get involved in an exercise/activity sometime during the day. Check out the activity page at https://www.facebook.com/events/763197830413738/?ref_dashboard_filter=upcoming. Please feel free to join and share with friends and family, it is a good excuse to get together and have some fun for free.


As always thank you for joining me, let's go for a run!

You’ve lost that burned out feelin’, oooh that burned out feelin’

You’ve lost that burned out feelin’, oooh that burned out feelin’

"If you run, you are a runner. It doesn't matter how fast or how far. It doesn't matter if today is your first day or if you've been running for twenty years. There is no test to pass, no license to earn, no membership card to get. You just run." 

~John Bingham~

I have always looked to wiser and more experienced people for guidance. When it came to training plans for running why would I not look to the experts to see what they recommend? These strategies helped them become successful and proved to work for them, so, why shouldn't they help me reach similar success? I know a lot of people who can print off a training plan and it works for them; then the next race they are starting all over with the same or similar plan. I am finally figuring out why this has not worked for me. The training is a means to an end which is the race itself and not a long term plan.

I decided that I would attempt to get in at least a mile (in addition to increasing my long runs) for every day in October. A week and a half into this I had a migraine that lasted over 24 hours and I was frustrated that although my heart and legs were ready I just could not do it. After some encouragement from my wife I got up early the next day and went for a run and after work did a second to make up for the one I missed. This has not only developed a habit of lacing up every day but it has given me time to figure out what I have been doing wrong.  

The first item I decided I would work on is to use the shorter runs to push my pace a bit. The second item is to slow down on my longer runs. During yesterday's 10-miler I realized that almost every long run and half marathon I have done I started too fast and flamed out, causing me to struggle to finish. Light Bulb Moment! I am not fast and need to focus on consistency and distance. What I had been doing is trying not to use my watch or Garmin and just run. This is what I want to do but I need to learn to pace myself first, so recently I have worn it strictly for the purpose of tracking distance and adjusting my pace. The next piece to the puzzle is that most times when I have tried to increase distance I have increased mid-week mileage as well, not allowing enough recovery time or lighter days in between long runs.

I have had an epiphany since the first of the month and it is this: for me, running more short runs during the week allows me to increase the distance and have something in the tank for my long runs. Also, the faster, shorter runs seem to be loosening my hips up a little. I am experiencing less pain and soreness while recovering much faster. As I had hoped going into this, I am slowly making better decisions on the nutrition front and slowly but surely I am feeling like a runner again. In the past I have tried the 'fake it ‘til you make it' strategy and it almost worked until the real test came and I knew deep down I was not there yet.

This October challenge has really opened my eyes and allowed me to move my focus in a new direction and allow the answers to surface before my eyes. My head is clearer during runs and I do not feel the same pressure as before. I also got back to a little over a 20 mile week after today’s run and I feel good. Don’t get me wrong, I am tired. The best way I can explain it is that I am tired but no longer feel burned out and that is a great feeling. The best part is that I have returned to running for the sake of running and not to prove anything to myself or anyone else and my Cool Impossible is back in focus. 

In Summary I would say that plans and advice are great, but in the long run they must work for you. Don’t be afraid to tweak them to better suit your needs and ultimately your goals. In addition I am always looking for inspiration through books and other items. I am currently reading Ben on Foot: 12 months from non-runner to ultra-runner, which is a new book written by Ben Brewer. It is not a how-to book; it is simply an enjoyable and inspiring story of transition. I am happy to have added this book to my ever growing library. 

Inspiration Like a Flame Gets Passed On And Does Not Take Away From Itself

Inspiration like a flame gets passed on and does not take away from itself

"I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do."

~ Edward Everett Hale ~

My current challenge to myself was inspired by a friend who not only participated in, but finished in the top ten and won his age group in the Grand to Grand Ultra. For those who are nor familiar with this, it is a seven day/six stage completely self-supported race in the Grand Canyon. Basically, that means clothing, sleeping bag, every bit of food, etc. you carry as you run 160+ miles in a week. This was not only an endurance event but an extreme test of perseverance and heart. In a normal endurance event you push on until you reach the finish, but in this one the competitors had to will themselves to the start line every morning. It was described as being a relentless, daily beating with a baseball bat that you willingly lined up for. I have the utmost respect for anyone who put themselves through this and reached the finish.  

This brings me to the epiphany that I had the other morning during a run. I am going to attempt to relight my own inner fire by lacing up my running shoes every day in October. Along with my regular training runs I will run at least one mile every day in the month of October. There are going to be days when it will not be convenient or easy, but hence the challenge. Many undertakings are born or perish out of developing habits, good or bad. It seems that bad behaviors are much easier to pick up and stick with, while the good ones are more difficult to cultivate. The time has come to retool good practices and passion while eradicating some bad behaviors.    

My hopes are that by knowing that at some point and time during each day I will have to get at least one mile in the books that I will in turn make better nutritional choices as well. It will also take away the opportunity for me to make deals with myself like “maybe I will do it this afternoon if I feel like it” or “I think I will just do it tomorrow”, because I will have to do it and not put it off. Do away with the excuses and reasons not to do something and you are doing it. I make better choices when I am going to run, I run well when I feel better, and I feel better after I run. It is all cyclical behavior just the same as if I make poor choices I make more convincing excuses and in the long run, avoid the long run. Plan ahead, follow through and greatly increase the chances of success.

I also like to pass on inspiration to others, so if I can get people involved and excited it will make it a more powerful and meaningful endeavor. Inspiring thought and action was the main motivation behind starting this blog in the beginning. I have been inspired and am ready to share and encourage you to develop or fine tune a habit of healthy living and enhance your quality of life. People are beginning to look towards the end of the year and then they will plan a New Year’s Resolution. Before they know it March rolls around and the cycle starts all over until someday never comes. If we can be honest with ourselves then why wait if we know this is what happens. The Time is now and the Place is here!

There is always something we are meaning to start or want to develop, so here is the chance. I would like to throw out this challenge to anyone who is interested in getting a new healthy living behavior started. Pick one thing; it can be running, walking, riding a bike, eating vegetables or any behavior that has been on the someday calendar and has been brushed aside. I would caution you not to try to fix everything at once, pick on thing each month and soon you will be automatically making better choices. It can be as simple as saying “I am going to do 20-30 minutes of physical activity (it can be any combination) every day”. Make sure that it is challenging but doable because you do not want to set yourself up for failure. If that means on a given day all you can squeeze in is 10 minutes before work and 10-15 during lunch or after work then that is what you do.  It is about building habits and not beating yourself up over details.

If we each can motivate and inspire one person we can make a huge difference and some pretty incredible changes. Join me in whatever way you choose and chip away at the things that are hurting you or holding you back. 

Renewed Hope through an Adoption Plan

 “An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet,
regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but it will never break.”

~ An ancient Chinese belief ~

Renewed Hope through an Adoption Plan

With October approaching and it being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month I decided to provide an open and honest picture of the road that led to try to adopt a child at this stage of my life.

For those who do not know; I was previously married and have two beautiful, caring and intelligent grown daughters. I like to think that I at least contributed to the caring part of that combination. In 2007 with my youngest turning twenty-one, their mother and I separated and then divorced. Since I got into this relationship very young, I was moving into my own apartment for the very first time in my life. After some time I determined that I was destined to be alone and convinced I would definitely never marry again…

In the fall of 2009 someone entered my life who would begin to change my thoughts on the subject. I met a lady who was nice and found I had quite a bit in common with her. We went on to become friends, then best friends and finally realized we were soul mates. We both agreed that we were too old to play games and both had our share of dealing with head games in the past, so first order of business was that we would be open and honest with each other.  One night we were talking and I could tell she wanted to ask me something so I told her “you can ask me anything you want as long as you promise to never hold it against me.” Nervously she asked me if I was done having children; I told her that if I was with just the right person I thought I still had something to offer a child. She explained how important it was for her to have a child and be a mother, and she wanted me to know up front.

We were married in September of 2010 and for the next ten months, life finally felt like I had always heard it could be. During the spring of 2011 Kristen came to me and told me that she was pregnant and I realized just how much I really was ready to have another child. I was so excited and told more people than I was supposed to before I was supposed to; while she was remaining cautiously optimistic. On July 25^th 2011 she called me at work to say she was having some issues and was going to go to the doctor but for me not to worry about getting out of work to go with her. There was something in her voice and I felt like something was not right. I left work and raced to try to get there before she left work for the doctor. I found her car just as she was walking out and told her I just wanted to go with her. Little did I know when I woke up that morning that this would end up as one of the darkest days I had ever had to endure.

We had suffered a miscarriage and I was right next to my wife as her world caved in and could do nothing to stop it. It was the most helpless and useless I have ever felt in my life and I would not wish it on anyone. I held it together while I drove her to pick up my car and told her I would see her at home and then lost it once I was alone in my car. When I got home we stood in the kitchen holding each other and cried for a while and then sat on the couch together for hours in silence. There was nothing else that could be said at that time so we simply held each other.

A loss of a child has been known to ruthlessly tear marriages apart, but we were determined to be each other’s support system. It has not been easy but I am happy to say that we have endured this challenge. Unfortunately, we were not done being tested. One year and two days later we would relive this nightmare again, and then two more times in 2014. There is nothing that can be thrown at us now that we cannot handle together.

We decided that adoption would be a way that we could fulfill our hopes of building a family while giving a child an opportunity to be loved unconditionally. We had an Adoption Agent/Counselor named Nancy recommended to us and went to meet with her and right away we were both comfortable with her. She began to guide us through the process and our home study and was straightforward and encouraging. We have completed our profile books and created a Facebook page called Eric and Kristen Hope to Adopt which can be found below. We are seeking to bring a newborn into our home in a domestic open adoption. My wife and I are very aware of the difficult decisions that have to be made in life and do not take the decision that a birth mother makes in seeking an adoption plan for her baby lightly.

Please look at our page and like and share it to help get the word out.  

Eric and Kristen Hope to Adopt:

 https://www.facebook.com/pages/Eric-and-Kristen-Hope-to-Adopt/280345222125838

I started a Facebook page for Father’s who have lost babies. It is a closed group where you are free to discuss, ask questions and help support each other.
If you are the father of an Angel please visit: 

https://www.facebook.com/groups/657401390978716/

A Short Pay it Forward How are you Doing?

“We are all just walking each other home”

~ Ram Dass ~ 

How are You Doing Today?

When I started this blog I was not sure what direction it would take or what the main focus would be. It has from time to time taken on the looks of a running blog, but that is not the true essence either. It is primarily a blog about dealing with life and the bumps along the way, so if at times it feels like it is all over the place, I guess perhaps it is. One thing I have always tried to do is write from the heart and never simply for the sake of posting something. That is why it has been a little while between posts and this one will be short and sweet.

I want people to realize that no matter how hard things get or how fast the world seems to spin, there is always a way to get through it. No matter how positive and okay I try to appear, sometimes there are times when everything feels like it is closing in and spinning out of control. At these times it is amazingly refreshing when someone out of the blue asks how you are doing today. It can really lift the weight off of your shoulders long enough to take a couple of deep breathes. I was lucky enough to have a couple of people do this for me and I am very grateful to them. And some days having any degree of gratitude and hope can be enormous. So, consider this my pay it forward how do you do. How are you really doing today?

Now if you would think about the people in your life; family, friends, coworkers or neighbors who might need a moment of compassion and ask how they are doing today. It can never be a bad thing to check on each other once in a while. Even if they are doing okay, it’s a reminder that you are there if they need you. Letting a person know that you care is never a waste of time.

I am blown away every time I see that people all over the world have looked at and read my blog. My intention has always been that if even one person relates to something I write and it helps them in any way, then every key stroke has been worth it. Thank you for taking the time to read along and hang with me on this journey.

Weathering the Perfect Storm

Slump? I ain't in no slump... I just ain't hitting.

~ Yogi Berra ~

Edie Bailey: This is a hurricane coming straight at us!

Melissa Brown: Let me reduce sails, Sandy, or even go back home.

Alexander McAnally III: This is my boat. We're gonna ride this thing out, not for fun, for safety. Do what I've always done: go with the flow.

~ from the movie The Perfect Storm ~

The Perfect Storm

A definition of The Perfect Storm: 

A particularly bad or critical state of affairs, arising from a number of negative and unpredictable factors.

Some definitions of a Slump include:

A period during which a person performs slowly, inefficiently, or ineffectively, especially a period during which an athlete or team fails to play or score as well as usual; to decline or deteriorate, as health, business, quality, or efficiency; to sink heavily, as the spirits; a decrease, decline, or deterioration. 

I believe a slump can be a simple mental issue that keeps stealing your focus or it can be a combination of mental and physical burnout leading to hitting a wall. In my case, I think it was the burnout factor combined with worn out running shoes, a couple of left hooks and a roundhouse kick from life which led to my recent perfect storm. At first I was getting very frustrated with myself for not doing what I should be doing or thought I should be doing, and then I realized I was “shoulding” on myself again. Who says I should be doing anything right now anyway? Who says I have to keep to any schedule right now with everything going on? Anyway, however you color it, I have been in a slump or at least a funk. 

I started by going back to the gym and focusing on head clearing workouts with the weights and that is when it hit me. When a batter gets in a slump the best thing to do is take them back to the basics; get them doing drills, hitting off a tee, and most important is to get them out of their head. Using this analogy, my plan of action was to start with ordering new road and trail shoes and then focus on getting back to basics. I have not taken a real break from running in two years. I have backed off a couple of times but I was always afraid to stop for too long because of the difficulty of starting back up again. So backing off now won’t kill me. 

I have some muscle imbalances to work on in my hip region that cause extreme tightness in my hip flexors as well as dealing with allergy type symptoms for the past month. It is funny how things change. In the beginning I only lifted weights, then I slowly and grudgingly added minimal cardio until I realized that running was the missing link to round out my workouts. For some time I was balancing weights, core and cardio in a well-rounded blend of a workout. Slowly as I increased mileage, other pieces took a back seat until for a while I was pretty much just doing the running part. Hence, the getting back to basics part of my plan. I am using the B2R Level One training system for foot, leg and core strength which I got from Eric Orton’s born2run.com site. I have been getting back in the gym as I said and hitting the weights; not in an effort to bulk up, but to build back my upper body strength. This while walking and going on hikes with my wife when possible and running when the urge hits me, but nothing forced for now. I have put any long distances races on the back burner for now but I still want to be able to cover long distances whether on training runs or pacing friends. When the time is right and I am feeling it, I will get the 50K knocked out but I am playing that by ear. 

Here are some thoughts and ideas on dealing with and getting out of a slump: (You may need to adjust your list to what works for you.)

1. Realize that a setback does not mean starting over at the beginning

2. Give yourself a break and stop beating yourself up

3. Talk to friends who will support and encourage you

4. Read books to find motivation (lately a lot of books on hiking the Appalachian Trail)

5. If your block is with running, try a new route or setting, ditch your watch, and switch up what you keep track of. If you normally run X miles, run for X amount of time. If you run roads, try some trails and if you run trails, try somewhere new. 

6. If your block is with working out, or a nutritional plan, or a creative block, go back to something more comfortable and re-group

7. Re-evaluate your goals and find something smaller to set your sights on for a bit

8. Avoid using this setback as an excuse to give up completely and derail yourself

9. Find a way to have some fun with what you are struggling with. **The number one reason kids quit things is that they stop being fun**

10. Remember why you started in the first place and what it was like when it was working

I am trying whatever it takes to get my head spinning clockwise instead of counter clockwise and ultimately to a non-spinning status. I need to remember that sometimes it is okay to stop and regroup. To listen to my body and not run if I don’t feel up to it. I am surrounding myself with like-minded people who are supportive and positive, as well as spending some quality time with me.  I do not believe that most people take the time to recharge their batteries and stay at optimal power. I can tell you for a fact that I am not always good at letting myself be silent and allowing for a recharge, but I am working on getting better. Sometimes when people are totally focused on training, it is hard for them to understand when you need to back off to refocus. I am lucky to have my wife, friends and the amazing Trail Nerds to help keep me moving in the right direction.  

The only one who needs to understand me right now is me and let me tell you that is good news for you. Thanks for hanging with me and following the trials and trails of my journey. I would love to hear input and suggestions about working out of a funk. 

It should not surprise you when a clown tumbles.

It should not surprise you when a clown tumbles.

People are always so surprised to find out that someone who laughs or makes people laugh suffers from depression. Have you not heard the saying, “if I don’t laugh I will cry”? Besides, people get very good at answering “I’m fine/okay/pretty good, how are you?” And now the conversation has moved on to you and past the question.

This subject is periodically brought to the forefront when a famous person loses the battle with depression and takes their life; most recently Robin Williams. The fact of the matter is, people take their lives every day and it rarely makes the media or the real reasons are hidden due to the shame or misunderstanding of the condition. Every one of us knows of someone who is fighting or has fought this battle.

Some people are lucky enough to have one or two friends who, when they say “how are you?”, either you feel like you can answer honestly or they read you and say, “really, how are you today?” It is only when you are able to open up that you realize, you are not alone in feeling depressed or sad. And the fact is, it is okay to feel sad about something that has occurred and sometimes people simply get overwhelmed and go to their dark place for a while.  

The critical part is to have someone who will not judge or try to fix you that you can talk to during these times. Since the cause is not always as simple as this or that, you need to know what your triggers are. Journaling is a tool that can come in handy for much more than exercise and eating; it is a good tool to find triggers. Once you understand yourself better it is time to use outlets to regain balance. Talk to someone, exercise, go for a run, but get yourself balanced without burying the feelings.

Develop cues with trusted people so they know you might need some help that day; I did this by accident once by using a line from Top Gun. Whenever I got into a spot and was struggling with something I started catching myself saying “Talk to me Goose.” It was kind of as a joke, but a few wise people picked up on it. Just do whatever it takes to get through the rough spots.

Learn about the signs of depression and really get to know your friends and family members. They do not need ideas on ways to stay busy or things they should try to do to make them happier, what they need is to have people who understand them. Know that comments like “oh, here comes Mr. or Mrs. Grumpy/Happy/Negativity…” really don’t help either. They do not need to be reminded that they are sad, they just need you to be there for them.

Education is key and people need to understand that suicide is a permanent “solution” to a temporary problem. I have heard it said before that if someone has cancer they go to the specialist and everyone supports them. Why is it that in this day and age people still feel the need to hide mental health issues? There is help and a variety of resources available and easily accessible; seek them out.  If you are suffering from depression, please get help somewhere! If you suspect a friend, family member or coworker is suffering from depression, help them find help. At least tell them that you are there and willing to listen without judgment if they would like to talk. No one should have to fight this battle alone.

Please get help somewhere! 

These are just a few resources to look at:

http://www.afsp.org/

http://www.breakthestigmarun.com/

http://www.nami.org/

Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Same SHIrT Different Day!

“I don't believe you have to be better than everybody else. I believe you have to be better than you ever thought you could be.”

~ Ken Venturi ~

The younger "old" me at a hypertensive 250 lbs

Not as good as I'm gonna get, but I'm better than I used to be

Same SHIrT Different Day!

First, let me explain the title and pictures. The picture by the lake is the only picture of me that I have from that period of my life, and it is a constant reminder of one of my personal battles. The other picture is taken wearing the same shirt years later, and minus many pounds. The title ties together the transformation my body has gone through and the constant reminder of what I must continue to battle not to go back to what I once was. Anyone who knows me should know that these pictures being displayed here contain no ego or arrogance. The unfair fact of the matter is that I can undo six weeks of hard work in very short order.

Similar to anyone who struggles with any form of self sabotage, it is sometimes easier to deal with failure than success. Unfortunately, for too many of us, there is a sense of familiarity with failure and disappointment. And the possibility of success brings its own fears and stress. This does not mean that we don’t want to be successful, but it may mean that we fear the expectations and unknown entities of not failing at least a little. I believe that many of us have the built-in excuses that are easier to reach for than stepping into unfamiliar territory.

I have been my own ongoing experiment for many years now. On the one hand, I am much happier with the person I am now compared to the old me. On the other hand, I am constantly frustrated by my self-inflicted limitations. On countless occasions I feel like I have been on the threshold of major personal growth and before I can stop myself I shrink back into safety. Why is it so much easier to encourage and advise others than it is to put the same ideals into effect for ourselves?

Let’s go back to self-sabotage for a minute. It really does not matter what our vice is; the behavior pattern gives us a safety net. When we fail we can jump into the net, when we succeed we can also jump into the net. This not only keeps everyone else’s expectations down but it keeps our own at a more comfortable level. The fact of the matter is that we have to want to succeed more than we want to fail. In this, I believe I may have made some progress because the level of regret and disappointment of a recent failure is much higher than it may have been in the past.

Another important aspect to remember is that people need to stop comparing themselves to others. Partially because in doing so we feel those we compare ourselves to are above us and therefore better than us; worse is when people feel the need to be better and in this case someone has to be worse off for you to feel good about yourself. When, truth be told, we are all dealing with and fighting our own battles, the extent of which most people know nothing about. 

So when we know something is wrong or not good for us what makes us go back to it? We can blame society, marketing and many other possible reasons. I have noticed that when I give myself permission to slack on my nutritional guidelines or come up with reasons to back off on running or exercise plans, I slip into a spinning vortex. It is like something inside of me sees the open window and wants to get everything I can before the window closes again.

A recent example would be the six or seven weeks of strict nutritional guidelines I set for myself before my last race, with the prize of pizza and beer upon completion of that race. The mistake in the deal I made with myself is that it should have been contingent on successful completion of said race, but my subconscious left that part out. Then there is the convenient failure to complete the distance I set out for and, voila’, built-in reason to extend the free fall. I might as well get that Burger King, Chinese food, doughnuts, ice cream and whatever else before I straighten up. And if no one sees me have it, did it really happen? Much like any other addiction or weakness, yes, it really did happen and must be dealt with.

Why is it that I feel the need to put myself out there for all to read this and judge? Mostly because I hope that if even one person reads this and it helps them to make a couple of changes in their life so they can move towards a better quality of life, then it is well worth it. As you can see my journey has taken many turns and gone on for many miles, but it is far from complete. I will always keep this picture as a reminder or what was behind me and what lies ahead. I must keep moving on the road I am on because I already know where the other road leads.

If you are new to my blog, Welcome! And if you have been with me for a while thank you so much for keeping me company on my travels down life’s twisting and broken roads! 

Wyco Is Making Me Psycho

“Disappointments are to the soul what a thunderstorm is to the air.”

~ Friedrich Schiller ~

Wyco Is Making Me Psycho!

This is going to be a tough one to write so where do I start? Like so many previous plans; Saturday began with confidence and good intentions and leaving my watch at home so I could take the day as it came. I really felt ready both physically and mentally for the challenge to come, but it is said that momentum is a cruel mistress and she can turn on you at the drop of a hat. Someone described what was to follow as the perfect storm.  

I dedicated the race to a 14 year old named Abigail who has been struggling with being bullied and has responded by trying to hurt herself. I do not know her but she is the granddaughter of someone I know and I guess I wanted her to be aware that people she doesn't even know care about her. Bullying has become a real problem especially with social media and people need to realize that life is hard enough without us making it harder on each other.  

The calm before the storm

This was three races in one for the Psycho Psummer with a 20 miler and 50K starting at 8:00 and a 10 miler starting at 9:00. Since I was signed up for the 20 and my wife was doing the 10, I took the shuttle to the park at 7:00 and she read her book and came over before I started. We got our picture taken together and she gave me some words of encouragement before the start.

Kristen and I before the start

It was already getting hot and I had no idea what to expect, but I was going to try to go with whatever the trail had in store for me. Ben gave his pre-race talk and blew the horn and we were off, over the bridge and across the grass towards the entrance to the bridle trail which is always a conga line at first. Shortly people found their pace and we began moving more smoothly. The group I was running with was talkative and moving at a good pace so I stayed with them. I was pushing a little but decided to hang with them as long as I could. We got to the first manned aid station and there was a little girl ringing a cowbell; I smiled and waved at her and realized after I passed her that she may not have been waving but waiting for high fives. Sorry I missed that opportunity. I topped off my water and grabbed a couple of orange slices and was off again.

I crossed the road and entered the single track and I was still pushing but moving pretty well. They are nice trails with some rolling hills and switchbacks that go through the woods and have some nice views of the lake from time to time. At about 4.5 miles on one of these switchbacks I turned the corner and lifted my head for a second to look ahead and caught my right toe on a root, which sent me flying through the air. As soon as my feet left the ground I tucked my arms into my body and hit the ground hard and rolled a few times. I got up and assessed the damage, saw a cut on my hand and my arms, my hands were covered in dirt and my water bottle was squashed and packed with dirt. Shortly after, I passed Rick from Mile90 photography, who has a knack for appearing and disappearing on the trail, so I have dubbed him Photo Ninja.

All I had to show for it the next day

Right after my wipe out

I walked for a while trying to clean and unbend my bottle and trying to regain my focus. At the point where you get closest to the water I saw Bob sitting in his kayak taking pictures and I raised my arms and told him I was taking some of the trail with me. I walked/ran for a bit and was getting frustrated because I was not planning on walking this early in the race. I came out onto the dam where my friend Carl was working the aid station. He started hollering when he saw me and asked what I needed. I showed him my dilapidated water bottle (it leaked the rest of the day but did its job) and he cleaned it off and filled it and got some orange slices. My plan was to grab a couple of S-Caps here but with the distractions I forgot. I also tried to eat a peanut butter wrap, but took one bite and quickly decided that was not going to work either.

After another couple of miles my calves began to cramp and I was back to a walk/run again, getting more frustrated and having thoughts about not making it the whole 20 miles. I was drinking water with electrolytes or Heed and grabbing a couple of S-Caps along the way but I could feel the indecision and doubt getting the best of me. When I got to the Shelter 14 aid station they cleaned my arm up and, as I was leaving, the first 10 miler came running through. I said, “That’s awesome, he started an hour after me.” I was reminded that he is an elite runner, which I know, but I also knew there were more to come. I justified the top five 10 mile runners but then it got demoralizing and I was losing ground and I had not even reached the hardest part yet, the dreaded three sisters. A very nice lady passed me and asked if I needed medical attention; I guess I looked pathetic and I was limping because of the cramps.

I was not only frustrated with the possibility of not completing what I set out to accomplish in the race; today represented much more than just the race. Personally this was going to be the day when I pushed past what I thought I could do and transformed another piece of who I am.  There was also Abigail. I dedicated this to her, so would I be letting her down if I settled for a 10 mile finish?

I did not want to feel like I was taking the easy way out or quitting, but without proper caloric intake and the high temperatures I had to decide something soon. The lead 50 K people cruised past me and they looked like they were not even breathing hard. As I came out of the woods and saw the finish line and the turn to go for another loop, I decided to try a little and see what happened. I switched out a couple of things in my bag and was heading out across the bridge and field battling with what to do. A couple of people asked if I was okay and I said “I guess, just trying to decide if I am going any further”. Once I realized that I was standing by the lake watching the geese swim around I took that as a sign that I was done. I turned and did the walk of shame back to the start/finish area to tell the race director I was done. Soon after my friend Brittany and then my wife came across the finish line. They both did great!

Decision time

Brittany finishing 10

Kristen with a great finish on the 10 (First time running this loop)

I know I was not the only one to drop down but it does not make it any easier. I will never know for sure if it just was not my day and if I made a sound decision or if this was yet another case of giving up too soon.

To Abigail and anyone else who is being bullied or struggling with being depressed, please know that there are a lot of people who care and are willing to help. Remember that “Hurt people, hurt people”. Sometimes the people who least deserve your love, need it the most. Seek out help because hurting yourself is never the answer. Sometimes when we are hurting emotionally, we seek out ways to hurt physically so that maybe the emotional pain doesn't seem so bad.  Finding an athletic endeavor to push your body through is a far healthier way to counteract that pain than doing something that harms you, and may harm those in your life who care about you and want to help you.  Those who really care about you will support you and assist you in getting the help you need to work through the pain.