Year-end Random Reflections and Ponderings

Year-end Random Reflections and Ponderings

Here it is, New Year’s Eve 2019. Another year has come and gone and has not forgotten to kick my ass on the way through. I know I am not the only one and there were a couple of good things that happened but, for the most part, I am over it. I am oh so tired of waiting for the elusive “better year coming”.

As I sit here alone on New Year’s Eve (same as Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve) downloading divorce paperwork, I think to myself, self, WTF! Why did I allow myself to be in this position? I got divorced and said “never again” yet here I am. How did I let this happen? I am scrapping my shining armor and putting my white horse out to pasture.

This time of year brings many questions to mind. What is it about me that makes people stop loving me? What happens when a person dies and they are from a different belief system, do they go to their afterlife and you go to yours (if there is such a thing)? Do you never see them again? Why is our life set up to let us F-up so many times before we start to figure things out? Why are so many things in our society fixable but most people ignore the truth? I could go on but what’s the point.

I don’t mean to sound dark and gloomy but it is what I feel right now. One promise I made when I started this blog was, to be honest. I have done my best to stick to that promise throughout my writing. Many people want sugarcoated crap but if that is you, you came to the wrong place.

I do wish you happiness and peace and maybe someday, I will understand those feelings as well. If you have a chance to make the coming year better, please go for it. If someone needs help, do your best to help them. Every little bit of kindness makes the world a better place to live.

Peace Out!

Under the Same Night Sky

Under the Same Night Sky

Darkness can be discomforting but, twinkling stars cut through the darkness and the darker the night, the more magnificent they shine. The moon in all its splendid stages, adds beauty to the impending gloom. This is when I most find myself thinking about you.

When I miss you, I look into the sky and imagine that you are with me watching the stars and moon with me. So step outside and I will too, we will be linked through the galaxy. Miles cannot keep us apart or diminish our love.

No matter where you are or what you do; whether I am across town or a thousand miles away, we are always under the same moon. If you feel lost or lonely, all we need to do is step outside and look towards the moon. We would be looking at that very same moon that is watching over both of us.

You find that one day a loved one is not physically of this world anymore. Look to the night sky and they will be there, wishing you happiness and peace. Let the night sky bring you some peace and comfort and think of someone you love.

Join me outside to gaze up at the night. I hope you think about someone special and are able to smile a little. By all means, lay on the ground with someone you love and absorb the night sky together.

What does it all mean?

What does it all mean?

What is Love? What does it mean to be in love and how do we know that we are? Does it mean that we act like High School kids? Why do people find themselves in love with people who are not in love with them? These are a few of the questions that have plagued mankind since the beginning of time, or at least since the beginning of the idea of monogamous relationships.

So, why are we taught that we must live by specific guidelines? Is it because of organized religion? It most likely started out as a way to control the masses, which answers the previous question at least partially. We are taught from a young age to find love, buy a house, have kids, and then work long hours to pay for it all. Welcome to the trapped and in debt society.

By the time we learn the errors of our ways we are, well I just said it, trapped and in debt. When we want out of this club, we usually have to choose one or the other. We can get out of the trap, but that usually incurs more debt, and getting out of debt keeps us trapped. Can we have both and unlearn the teachings of our upbringing? I hope so.

Now we must decide what are the risks of not being in an exclusive relationship. Are the risks real or perceived? What about a Panogamous relationship? This is mostly monogamous but both partners have the freedom to see other people. I guess the biggest risk is that one decides that they found a person they want to be with and it is not you.

Is this whole journey worth it or should we simply do whatever we feel like and what satisfies us? Those of us who are cursed with principles have a hard time with that, although sometimes it sounds like fun. Now I am going to add a twist to this dilemma; if you are a nice guy, you are picking up and dealing with every other guy's trash before you. This means that you pay for their past discretion, even though it is happening subconsciously in most cases.

I hope you were not waiting for me to give you some enlightened wisdom at this point in the post. If you were, I’m sorry. If you have some, by all means, please share! I would love some sage advice right about now. I am waiting!

Please be kind to each other while we figure this shit out. I saw a shirt today that said “It cost nothing to be kind” so let’s do that. I wish you peace and happiness in your journey.

Learning to Live With Me

Learning to Live With Me

For my whole life to this point I have sucked at living and being on my own, hence the never being on my own for long. For the first time in my life, I am feeling comfortable with myself. I guess it only takes me…well, a long time to figure some things out.

For the first time, I am feeling like I am finding my purpose and becoming who I was meant to be. Don’t get me wrong, I still have some struggles and challenges to deal with through this change but, I feel like I am making changes for me this time.

I feel like I have climbed out of a very long, dark, slippery tunnel and am seeing the real world for the first time in a very long time. There is still darkness that trails me and I know the Big Black Dog is not gone. But, they are not part of Me right now. That may or may not make sense unless you have experienced real depression in your life. I am actually catching myself planning things. Trust me, that is a big deal. 

So, this is a brief post but an important one. As for the title ‘Learning to live with me’, if I figure that one out, I will be the first one who did. I have a few people I know will agree with that statement. Oh well, as long as I can do it that is all that matters.

Peace out and go be nice to someone.

Why I ride and am proud of my backpatch

A Bikers Against Child Abuse (BACA) member who was a Primary for a child that recently transferred to a new chapter.  (a primary is a member that is assigned to a child. They are on call 24/7 for that child. When a child moves to another area, they are transferred to a chapter in their new area.)

He received a call from the child and he asked if she was looking forward to her Level 1 with the new Chapter. (a level one is where the whole chapter rides in to welcome the child into the family) She said she was, and he asked her if she had her Vest and her Bear with her and she said she gave her Bear away.  That caused a moment of pause wondering why she would give it away. (the BACA Bear is part of the ceremony of the level one where it is hug passed from biker to biker filling it with love and then given to the child along with a vest with their road name on the front and a patch on the back. We all go by road names for anonymity) 

She explained that she met a young woman at a local shelter for abused women and this woman was pregnant. The child brought her BACA bear to this young mother-to-be so that her child could be born with lots of love, strength, and empowerment.  She told the mother it made her strong and held lots of love so it will help the baby that way too.  

This is why I ride with BACA and why I am so very proud to wear the BACA backpatch! 

Bikers Against Child Abuse is a 501c3 organization and every penny goes toward empowering children. It is a 100% volunteer, worldwide organization whose sole mission is to empower children to not be afraid of the world in which they live. It is important to remember that BACA is an organization and not a club or gang. It is also important to know that we take care of our kids! 

Please go to www.bacaworld.org to find out more about this amazing organization.  

Is Vulnerability a Weakness or a Strength?

Is Vulnerability a Weakness or a Strength?  

Is Vulnerability a Weakness or a Strength?  I now believe it can be one and the same; as in allowing your weakness to be exposed to become stronger. It is still scary as hell but, I think it a necessary part of personal growth.

It is a gift when you realize that you have to put yourself out in the danger zone to grow as a human being. When I was doing Personal Training, I used to tell people that you had to get past the part that sucks and hurts to get to the good stuff. I guess it is similar in other parts of life as well.

Whether you are trying to grow as an individual, an employee, in a relationship, or any other part of your life there are times when you will have to be vulnerable. If you are not willing to pay the price for evolution, you will fester in fear and frustration. Yes, growth is sometimes frightening and unpredictable but the opposite of growth is decay.

If you have been drug through the relationship wringer you understand how frightening being vulnerable with your heart is. If you have not been through this wringer, please comment on your secret below. Being freshly wrung, I have been giving this a LOT of thought lately. So, I ask you this; if you are looking someone in the eyes and have strong feelings for them, let them know how you feel, be understanding, be gentle.

Most of all I was recently told that we all deserve to be loved and cared for. It is not always our fault if someone stops loving us and it should never stop us from being loved by someone else.


Peace out for now! Go tell someone you care about them.

The Dangerous Three; Weather, Water, and Women

The Dangerous Three; Weather, Water, and Women

What do woman, water and weather have in common you ask? Very few things can be as beautiful and dangerous at the same time. Simultaneously, gentle and comforting and cause men to make life-altering choices that can take your breath away, figuratively and literally.

Weather can change in a heartbeat, from sunny and 70 to a variety of excesses. At times the rain can wash things away, the wind lifts them up and moves them to another county or extreme temperatures can make life very problematic for some. Bolts of electricity can be thrown from the sky with little discretion to their target.

Think about the river flowing or the ocean waves; the sights and sounds are calm and serenity at it’s finest, until the current or tide changes. Even at it’s most gentle it can change the shape of whatever it touches. You cannot see or have knowledge of the possible dangers until you get in and venture into the depths.

Now to move on to the riskiest and most complicated subject of women. They can have effects similar to those mentioned above, but, they can be longer-lasting and much more difficult to rebuild from. Please, no hate comments! All I mean is that nature has given you many qualities and the knowledge to go along with them, to have much control over the hearts and minds of men. A lip glossed smile, a lingering gaze, or a brief touch on the arm and we are all f’d up. This is talking about women without ulterior motives, nevermind one who really wants to manipulate us.

As I write this I think of all of the times I have given weather forecasters a hard time for being way off but there are other areas which are just as hard to predict. I think I will call the dangerous three, examples of exquisite risks that I will take my chances on. I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for reading my rambling thoughts and babblings.

Until next time, I wish you peace!

Planting Seeds with Other Beings

Planting Seeds with Other Beings

For some of us, the “how we do what we do” is more important than “what we do”. It matters not how you earn a living, as long as you make life better for others. Most times we do not even know what the results of our actions are or will be. We must plant seeds along the way and hope that the ripple effect is endless.

Tell your stories, spread kindness and understanding to those who need it most. As the saying goes, be kind to the unkind, for they are the ones who need it the most. What if you showed a person or an animal that they have worth? You might be the first and only person to demonstrate that to them. More importantly, what if they believe you?

One of the most effective recruiting and grooming tools used by the unscrupulous is to play on one's feelings of worthlessness. Gangs, organizations, and predators know that we all want to feel like a part of something and that we matter. One person who refuses to give up can change not only that life but start the ripple of change.

I had a conversation with someone who had a very difficult childhood. He was the kid that people give up on and let the system chew up and spit out into "hard" time as an adult. Instead, someone refuses to give up. Against the wishes of the ones who gave up, he was allowed to take part in a mentoring program in prison. The seed was planted. Later, after listening to him speak a fellow inmate told him that he felt like he was listening to his own story. Another seed planted. After that, he helped start a program that picked up where the other left off.

He now runs a not for profit business to guide troubled youths. He is an advocate for youth rights and is vigilant to assure that they do not fall into the gaping holes in our broken judicial system. All of these lives have a real chance to flourish because of the first seed.

If you do but one thing before you leave this earth, I would ask you to plant a seed of kindness and believe in oneself. Peace, until next time.

When is Enough, Enough?

When is Enough, Enough?

How do you know when it is time to take care of yourself even if that means going against everything you have ever done? The time is now and the place is here. If we fail ourselves, then we are also failing others who count on us. Every time we get on a plane, we here the sage advise given us by the flight attendant to “put your own oxygen mask on before attempting to help others. Why then, do we refuse this in everyday life?

Sometimes we are brought up to serve others and we forget, other times we are programmed by life. We get stuck in situations and do not feel we deserve anything else. I say that we deserve the peace of mind and something that resembles happiness. I know too many people who give up hope and lose their drive for everything. Society tells us who we should be and how we should act and it is simply a life sucking lie.

Screw the “norms” and constant guilt that is placed on us by this “society”. No direct offense intended but if someone does not like what you are doing, they should receive an invitation to kiss your ass. Life is hard enough without added pressure and guilt. It is also very short and unpredictable, do whatever helps you to be happy as long it does not hurt another. That does not mean that everyone will understand or agree. Feelings may get hurt but if you have given them every chance to correct the situation and they do nothing, that shows your worth to them.

Bike #2

The single best (selfish) decision I have made was buying my motorcycle and the second best was trading it after two years when I was ready to move up to a bigger bike. Ride free and far, I promise that there are few better feelings. If you have never tried it, you owe it to yourself to learn. You do not have to act reckless to feel like you are on the edge and in the moment. The best rides are those with no real destination.

This is just a bunch of random ramblings that were rolling around in my head. I noticed that it has been some time since I have posted so I let my fingers vomit all over the keyboard. Live your life, tell someone that you care about them and do something for yourself!

 Peace out until next time.

My Unofficial, No Promises 30 Day Detox

“No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.”

 ~ Buddha” ~

My Unofficial, No Promises 30 Day Detox

As some of you know, I have been battling stress and extremely dark bouts of depression for about four and a half years. One of my defense mechanisms became a few drinks (beer or whiskey), most nights to wind down. That is how I justified it to anyone who asked if I drank and how much I drank.

It is not like I was getting falling down drunk or getting non-functioning, but I was drinking more. It is kind of sad that our society not only supports but strongly encourages this as a way to deal with everything. If you get stressed out, having a bad day or if you are socializing, celebrating something, have a drink.

A therapist who has been helping me through a really dark period suggested that I listen to This Naked Mind by Annie Grace on Audible. I downloaded it and began listening; my first response was, “this person was not listening to me at all, this book is for alcoholics”. During chapters two and three I realized that was not the case and I needed to listen closely. It was about the habits I was currently developing and justifying while heading down a possibly dangerous road.

I still have four ice cold beers in my refrigerator that I have not touched seeing that today is day 22 without a drink. I finished This Naked Mind and have been listening to The Alcohol Experiment ’30 Days Alcohol Free’ on the way to and from work. I am making no promises to anyone and only revealed to a handful of trusted people what I am doing (I guess until this is read).

I understand a little better what alcohol was doing to me and that I was using it to hide behind. Mostly I know now that it was the same as being taken advantage of my something that was pretending to be a trusted friend. A sneaky, untrustworthy, passive-aggressive lier that was trying to keep me in the dark place. Making me believe that it was the only safe place for me to be. Not to mention that alcohol was working against the anti-depressant I was taking and not safe to mix.

 I have no way of knowing what the future will bring and I make no promises because I do not need pressure right now but, I feel more in control. I thank you, Annie Grace for writing the books and for your honesty. Summer will be tough I am sure because I will be around people and situations with plenty of alcohol, but that is a long way away. If I keep taking care of today, I will be fine. I feel some control over my life that I have not felt in a long time.

Thank you for reading this and hopefully understanding and for not judging me.

If you need help, please talk to someone. Asking for help is not a weakness.