Do You Know What It Is Like

 

Do You Know What It Is Like

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”

~Philo~

Do You Know; What it is like to know that if you see tomorrow it is because of others and not because you want to? What it is like to be scared of your youngest child growing up and taking away your “responsible” reason for being here? What it is like to want to do better but, not sustaining that feeling long enough to do anything? What it is like to wait to feel like someone gives a fuck and not being sure they do? What it is like to alienate people that you want to be close to you so they distance themselves from you? What it is like to have your soul and heart feel empty?

I hope that you were able to answer NO to all or most of these questions. If not, know that these questions are valid and you feel them but, they are not who you are. They are thrown at you by loneliness and depression. You must not let them overtake you. You must take those brief moments that you have or feel some control and do something every time. No matter how small, do it. Put enough in your emotional bank to say Fuck you to these questions and useless feelings.

If you tell Alexa to "play music I like" and most of what plays are angry or sad songs, work in a few others. Find someone who makes you feel heard and seen and spend time with them. Avoid people who suck your energy, God knows we don’t have extra to spare. Catch yourself before pushing people away. Stand up tall and find a reason to stick around.

Look after your strong friends who most people think have their shit together and are doing fine. This life is hard and we are all in this together. We are not meant to go through this shit alone. I wish you peace my friend and that you for hanging here for a few minutes.

'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

 

“Pain, without love

Pain, I can't get enough

Pain, I like it rough

'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all “

Pain – Three Days Grace https://youtu.be/fksp8J73GUw

 

I’ve been getting some tattoo work done the last month and I had a realization. I understand why people cut themselves and do harm to themselves now. If you go for a long time feeling nothing and finally you feel something, even if it is pain, it gives you hope. As bizarre as that might sound if you can feel pain, it means there is a possibility that you have some ability to feel something good. I also get why people get addicted to tattooing.

This will not make sense to anyone who has felt Nothing. If you have never been in the dark grips of depression and got so numb that you literally felt zero feelings. You even get past the point of being sad and don’t care about anything. It is not a fun place to be but, it becomes a safe place.

Why start dealing with things because that might ring you back to sad. I have eluded in the past about getting comfortable with the darkness. Although it can be somewhat comfortable, it is a dangerous place to be. You literally do not give a shit about yourself or anything you do. It makes it hard to gather any strength to fight.

So, back to my revelation. I realized that while having the back of my arm worked on that it hurt like a M’fer. This was a good thing because I felt the pain. At that moment, I got it. I understood why kids cut themselves. I wish they didn’t feel the need to do it but I got it. It is not that they are destructive or hateful at all. It is because they would rather feel pain than nothing at all.

Be understanding and compassionate and not judgemental. They are hurting and want to find peace more than anything at all. I understand and wish I could do something to take that pain away and help you see the light. Please reach out and talk to someone you trust.

Peace until we meet again.  

12 Sessions and 28 Days AF

 12 Sessions and 28 Days AF

"Hope is important because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today."

~ Thich Nhat Hanh ~

Today is my final three hour IOP session and the successful completion of my self-imposed 28-day break from alcohol. It was a crutch to shut my brain down that I had to do without during this phase. There were times of pretty intense anxiety, mostly because I knew I was going to have to be alone with my thoughts without my usual neuroreceptor numbing agent. 

This month has been a bumpy ride but at least (I feel) it is starting to go in the right direction.  I even trimmed the whiskers and got a haircut. I have been taking advantage of the craziness of this year and depression as an excuse to get shaggy looking. I decided it was time to look and feel like me again. 

I have met some really good people this past month, most of which I would never have met if I had not gone into this program. I am grateful for each and every one of them and will miss seeing them. I hope they all find the peace they deserve and continue to seek out hope.   

It is not any one thing or person who helped me keep my head above water, it was a combination of people that stuck with me and convinced me to take action. Without movement or action we are stuck and that is where I have been for a very long time. Yes, some people faded into the shadows when I was at my worst, but the people that mattered would not let me quit on myself. 

Please never give up and never let go of hope. Your work here is not done yet and whether you know it or not, someone needs you. Thank you for taking the time to read this and PEACE!

 

The Stalker Within

 

The Stalker Within

When depression has its grip on you, it is like having a stalker. This shadow knows every move you make, and every thought you have, and it knows your every insecurity. If it senses a decent emotional state or level of comfort, it sneaks up and kicks you in the junk. Some days you have the strength to keep it at bay, but other times looking over your shoulder wears on you.

 Some of us become good at being “functional” for the most part, so people think you are “grumpy” sometimes. I have been making progress with my mental state but, it will always be there watching me. I feel like I am finally getting a better grip on things the last few days but, it has been a long, dark, and exhausting journey. I have started to make better decisions and trying to take better care of myself lately.

The combination of the Behavioral Health people I have been working with, the program I recently got into, and simply deciding that I am worth fighting for has been the difference. I have said this before; it is always difficult to admit you need help and to ask for that help, especially if you are a guy. It is not only necessary but is critical. You do not have to man up or suck it up and it is not a weakness. It is quite the opposite of weakness.

Thank you to those who have understood and supported me, especially those who check in on me from time to time. I am grateful to you. Until next time, I hope you find peace and hope.

Quick Update of IOP Progress

 Quick Update of IOP Progress

I am one week into this Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) for depression. If nothing else, it is keeping me from drinking every night and forcing me to face my demons instead of ignoring them. It has definitely been an exhausting week but hard work is hard. If I am going to do this, I might as well go all in.

One very difficult thing is admitting that you need help and asking for it. Especially for guys who are brought up with, suck it up, dust yourself off, be a man, and so on. I am telling you that needing and asking for help does not make you any less of a man. It is easy to sit at home alone and drink just enough to shut down your thoughts, but, sit in a room full of people and be completely honest and vulnerable and tell me how easy that is.  

It is hard to say if this is helping so far. I know the combination of work, not drinking and doing this has caused a lot of anxiety. Only time will tell and for now, I am trying to focus on this moment, not dwell on the past or get worked up about things that have not and may never happen. This sounds like it should be fairly easy but it is not for an overthinking worrier. It is however something that I must continue to work on.

I don’t have a lot to add but I will keep plugging along in my search for a healthy solution. Thanks for checking in and I wish you peace.

When the Wheels Fall Off

 When the Wheels Fall Off

So, it’s been a while since I’ve done any serious writing on here. I have to warn you that the posts to come are going to be pretty unfiltered and real. I went back and forth if I should be so open about some of the things I’ve been dealing with and the process of trying to find a healthy solution to get out of it. I realize this is a public forum and anyone can read this and possibly use some things against me. Here is the thing, I made a commitment years ago when I started this blog to be open and honest. If someone reads something on here and does not want to be around me, offer me a job or anything else, Fuck them.

 It is hard to say when the wheels started to fall of this time. I have been in a deep, dark, unforgiving hole for years. Depression which has been a product of unresolved grief, guilt, loneliness, poor decisions and anxiety. Ten years ago, I went against everything I said I would never do again and got remarried. Part of me thought I had to take one more chance at being happy and another part was trying to make someone else happy. The first was short lived and the second turned out to be achievable. It sounds harsh but, once again the other person got what they wanted and had little use for me after that.

Many times, I have felt so alone and lost, and I am still unsure if I am capable of feeling real happiness. I have been reminded that I have people in my life who care and support me. When a person is in the quicksand of depression, it is easy to forget that they are not alone. This is one reason I share my story in a public way. If one person reads it and it gets them to reach out, it is well worth it. If you don’t reach out, you may not know who is there for you.

It hit me pretty hard to think about the failed relationships, including two marriages, but I do have three beautiful daughters who have been a blessing. There are times when thinking about my girls was a lifeline for me. They are so strong and have taught me so much. It is difficult to say where I’d be without them, or if I would still be here.   

I have realized that until you say something out loud or write it down, it may not really hit home. I was asked if I had ever thought about suicide by someone I trust very much. As I listened to myself talk I began to look at things a little differently. I started out by saying, “I don’t think so, well, I have never had a plan. I remember thinking as a teenager that it would kill my Mom if I did anything to myself.” Then, half joking “if I did, I’d have to make it look like an accident so the insurance would take care of my daughter, at it would have to be on my bike so insurance would pay that off, and I am an organ donor so it couldn’t be too messy” There was one night I was lying in bed thinking about calling a friend, but I could not decide if I wanted her to come get the key to my gun case or make an excuse for her to take my dog so he wouldn’t be scared. Fuck me, I have thought about this a little.

After the last one I did lock up my guns and give the keys to a friend for a couple of weeks, just as a precaution. Not that I was going to do anything but it was for piece of mind that I was taking some action and had a little control of what was going on. I have since put the crisis hotline number in my contacts, in favorites so it is easily accessible. I have not needed it but it is there.

Okay, so that is a lot to digest. Now for the next steps. I am taking a break from drinking and I start the real work tonight. More to come. Thank you for reading and to all who have supported me and been there for me, I love you!

A Sense of Balance in a Connection

A Sense of Balance in a Connection

How do you have a relationship with someone without losing the reasons you both got into it in the first place? When we meet someone we are attracted to, we enjoy the companionship, the open communication, tenderness, and the developing friendship. How do we keep the parts we want and not let things we don’t want to creep in. I am not saying that every day is rainbows and sunshine, but the process should not be difficult and frustrating.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about this topic lately. I have made bad choices and have not been a perfect partner, but I have some thoughts on the matter. I do not know what lies ahead for me except that I need to look out for me and make good decisions.   

We go into a relationship knowing what we want and need, we focus our energy on being what the other person wants us to be and many times neglect our own needs and end up begrudging the situation. If both people are not focussed on the needs and desires of the other, it will create distance and frustration. Then the relationship no longer serves either of your needs.

What if …people discussed and agreed on what they wanted in the first place (and be truthful)? …keep the lines of communication open? …ensure your needs are met while also, looking out for the other person? …keep your independence and individuality while exploring ways to be interdependent? …avoid the need to label everything? …stop giving a shit about what others think?

So, are these things even possible? I hope so, because otherwise, I am not sure I am interested in, nor do I have the energy to deal with complexities. Let’s talk and agree on what we both want and need and see what happens. Make up our own rules as to how things will work so that it works for us. After all, who gives a crap if it is different than how other people do it?

Peace out for now. Treat each other well. 

                                                                                                                                                

Signs of Hope Amidst Uncertainty

Signs of Hope Amidst Uncertainty

"Though I do not believe that a plant will spring up where no seed has been, I have great faith in a seed... Convince me that you have a seed there, and I am prepared to expect wonders."

~ Henry David Thoreau ~

This morning during a walk I was grateful to witness signs of Spring. It made me realize a few things; first, the sun is still rising each morning, second, Spring has come regardless of all that has happened and third, I was afraid that this would put an end to human connection once and for all but it hasn't. 

People are finding ways to stay connected and stay separate at the same time. I have started writing letters, writing on here, making it a point to wave and say hello to people I see outside, and this morning I joked with a girl who was sitting up in a tree. Whatever way you choose and what way works best for you, please find a way to stay connected. It is critical to our survival. 

I have heard many times about playing the hand you are dealt instead of worrying about the one you hoped for. There is no better time than during a run of chaos to practice this. I worked on staying in the moment while I was walking and saw many beautiful signs of life. 

I also worked out and washed my bike (neither has been happening as much as they should). Let's stick together and we might just screw around and get through this. Check on friends and loved ones periodically and if you find yourself needing help, reach out right away! I ask everyone to put these numbers in your contacts immediately. Even if not for yourself, you never know when you might come across someone who could use them. During a shit storm is the worst time to look for shelter. 

Crisis Text Line: Text Home to 741741

Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255 

Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

Peace to you and yours until next time. Stay safe and healthy!

Let the House Arrest Begin - Cautiously Maneuvering Through Unexplored Territories

Let the House Arrest Begin - Cautiously Maneuvering Through Unexplored Territories

For most of us, being locked down and basically being under house arrest is a new concept. It seems unfathomable that not only the country but the world is in crisis right now. I think a large number of us did not think this was as serious as it has since proven itself to be.

Not too long ago I was laughing at people who were buying up all the toilet paper and groceries. Now as I try to shop normally, I am not able to find items. I feel like I need a sign outside my house that says “Occupant did not hoard TP, please move on”.

As I here talk about a 30-day stay at home order I struggle to understand what that looks like, especially now that I am living alone. One of my very best friends was supposed to come into town to go to a concert with me in April, it got postponed. Will my daughter be able to come and stay with me and is it even a good idea? How will I manage without human contact? At least I have my dog!

The plan was for my ex’s stuff to be out of the house this weekend but, it didn’t happen. I was going to use this time to finally make this place mine. I guess I should not be surprised at this stage of the game. I also don’t know if the divorce will get finalized with the lock-down…FML

I was trying to make some sense of this to my four-year-old when I realized that I barely understand it so how can I expect her to grasp it? So far it has been eleven days since I have had any alcohol (picked a great time again). This time has been way harder than last time when I went sixty-four days. I do not see myself going that far this time with the craziness that abounds. I am trying to look at this with no expectations and no shame but it is hard.

I definitely plan to take advantage of this time for workouts and walks and hope to start doing some short runs as well as writing. One thing I started is writing letters to the elderly. I found a site called Love for the Elderly https://lovefortheelderly.org/letters Please consider writing a few notes during your downtime. These people are forgotten and lonely many times, but now it is worse than ever. Even people who had regular visitors cannot have them. I sent out an email at work asking people to write.

So, what do you think the world looks like coming out of this? Hopefully, the people trying to take advantage of it will get what is coming to them and everyone else will be stronger and more compassionate. Be good to each other and spread random acts of kindness whenever you can.

Peace out for now!