Have you ever thought about suicide or hurting yourself or others?

"Hopelessness is a feeling. It's not a fact."
~ Anohni ~

Have you ever thought about suicide or hurting yourself or others?

A common question from medical and mental health professional people is; “Have you ever thought of suicide or hurting yourself or others?”   I used to answer this with a quick “no” or “of course not” until recently. I have since heard myself say “well, I have thought about the act of suicide, but never planned my own”, half-jokingly “I’ve got too many responsibilities for that” and most recently, “Only to the length that if I was to do something; I would have to find a way to make it look like an accident (without doubt) to assure that loved ones were not burdened with my debt. Next, I am an organ donor and want to donate everything possible so it could not be messy.” Later that day I found myself looking at the Crisis Hotline information. I stopped and digested the events of the day. So…would that be a yes?

So then the question arises; what if a person’s sense of responsibility and do not want loved ones hurt is the only reason to push on every day?  I used to think that was enough, but I know there needs to be more. Somehow, I'm pretty sure now that I have to be part of that reason, but I'm not sure how to do that? Somehow I guess I need to figure that piece out. 

I am not sure where things go from here. I guess I take one day at a time.  One thing is for sure, this week is the first time I was completely honest about how I felt. The first time I did not say "I'm fine" or "I'm okay" when asked, "how are you doing?" I do consider myself to be lucky in that, I have a few people who are willing to take the time to be there for me and check on me. This is so valuable to have and you need to appreciate and hold on to people like that.  To those people, thank you for having a good heart and being special.  

Do you know what it is like to feel invisible?

"I am an invisible man. I am a man of substance, of flesh and bone, fiber and liquids - and I might even be said to possess a mind. I am invisible, understand, simply because people refuse to see me." ~ Ralph Ellison ~

Do you know what it is like to feel invisible?

 

From time to time I go back and read what I write and think how absolutely pitiful my thoughts sound. But, I promised myself to be honest when I write so here I am in all my pathetic glory. 

Do you know what it is like to feel invisible? To speak and have people appear to not hear your voice. Stand in a crowd and everyone around you is unaware of your presence as if you were transparent. I have been talking to people and they either start doing something or talking to someone else and I have walked away, unnoticed, in mid-sentence. When I don’t feel unseen, I feel like I am being judged by everyone around me. My mind runs full speed through all possible critiques and then comes the negative self-talk, next, I struggle to focus on anything and usually end up messing up. So basically, it is just as hard to be around people as it is to be alone. I have had more than a couple of people “introduce” themselves to me more than once. WTF, really? It is not enough to feel unseen, I have people to remind me.

One of my cycles is planning to take part in an event that is in the future; then as the time draws near, I start to get anxious and formulate justifications to avoid it. Most times I get right down to the last minute to leave without being late and I am still wrestling with the decision. Sometimes I force myself to go and deal with whatever happens for as long as I can, seldom really enjoying myself. I’d be a great planner for someone else, as long as I don’t have to go.

I have recently added to my cloak of invisibility by deactivating my facebook account. I miss having a way to keep in touch with certain people, but not the incessant waste of time that social media is. I thought about taking my blog down as well but I am keeping it going for now, even though it is harder to get to people who read it without facebook. The depression has been limiting my creativity in writing and ability to focus. Writing does give the thoughts racing around in my head a place to go, even temporarily.

I guess that is all I have for now. Until next time, I wish you peace.