“A great man is one who leaves others at a loss after he is gone.”
~ Paul Valery ~
Saying Goodbye When
You Know it is for the Last Time
After my last post I got some advice from a young lady whom
I have given advice to many times over the years. She told me to make sure that
I said goodbye to my Dad, to really say goodbye. I had two thought processes
battling it out in my head. First, I did not want to because that makes it
final. Second, I was afraid I was too late because he was slipping in and out
of consciousness.
I made the decision and messaged my sister (who was there)
and asked her to let me know when he was awake. She called me while I was at work;
I was really busy and had people all around. I was not sure how that was going
to work. I did not hear the phone and when I called back, I didn’t get through.
She told me that since his being awake was hit and miss that I could leave a
voicemail on her phone and she would play it for him. Okay, a chance to do it
privately.
When I called and was all ready to leave my message she
answered. He was awake and she held the phone to his ear. Holy crap, my
practiced message went away and I was talking directly to him. I took a deep
breath and asked him to give my Mom a big hug when he saw her and tell her that
I miss her every day. He grunted that he understood. I then told him that I
loved him and I said Goodbye. It was not an end of the phone call goodbye this
time. It was goodbye forever.
I am not going to lie to you, it was f’n hard. But I am so glad
that I had that brief conversation. I had recently written him a letter and
told him that if he wanted to honestly fight this thing, I would go toe to toe
with the devil by his side, but if he was doing it for anyone besides himself
and was too tired to fight, I understood.
A couple days later I was at a BACA event. I had caught
myself checking my phone regularly, expecting bad news. Heck I even changed my
voicemail message letting people know that I did not want to hear any more bad
news. After the event some of us went to get something to eat and when we walked
out I looked at my phone. I am not a super smart person but I knew that two
missed calls and a text from my sister meant it had happened. As a matter of
fact, the people who were talking thought I was shocked about something that
was said because of the blank look on my face.
I got on my bike and took my time riding home to make the
dreaded phone call. My toddler came and was telling me about something she was
going to do and then she said “and then I’m going to give you the biggest hug
ever”. Out of the mouths of babes…
As always, thank you for taking the time out of your busy life to read my little blog babble.
Peace!
