Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Four Butterflies, a Dog, and a Miracle

"You have to take risks. We will only understand the miracle of life fully when we allow the unexpected to happen."

~ Paulo Coelho ~

Four Butterflies, a Dog, and a Miracle

Anyone who know us or follows this blog knows the roller coaster of emotions my wife and I have been on since the Spring of 2011. It began Father's Day 2011 with a card and a pregnancy test telling me that I was going to be a father. I have two grown children and was ready for the challenge to begin again. What I was not ready for was the visit to the doctors office and watching my wife's hopes, dreams, and whole world come crashing down while being helpless to save her.

We suffered through three more miscarriages, one in 2012 and two in 2014. We had decided to adopt and were a year into the process when before an x-ray from a trail running injury that Kristen found out she was pregnant for the fifth time. The person giving her the news was befuddled by her reaction, wondering why she was not happy. Losing a baby drains you much more than mentally and physically, it drains your heart of hope.

We decided to see what fate had in store for us while being cautiously optimistic as the pregnancy surpassed any of our past experiences. We were both very nervous but hopeful. We have had so many people tell us "you get pregnant while trying to adopt"well, that is statistically not true. In this case though, I believe an adoption did influence our lives. The adoption was our dog Odie and somehow we began to become a family.

Jumping ahead to December of this year; we head to the hospital at 2 a.m. with my wife in labor. My plan was to stay at the top corner of the bed and look at nothing. This was what I did the last two times I was in a labor and delivery room but it would not be how things would not end up turning out. 

We had great nurses including spending twelve hours with an amazing labor and delivery nurse named Heather. She had me completely relaxed and I was involved in the entire process including cutting the cord. It was an incredible experience that I will not forget. Our beautiful daughter came into the world that night at 6:52 p.m.

 They placed the baby across my wife's chest and she instantly stopped crying. I got to finally see a look of complete unconditional love and satisfaction. I sat down for a couple minutes watching them and then went outside and walked around under a beautiful star filled sky contemplating the events of the day. 

She is lucky to have two grown sisters who will be incredible role models and be surrounded by many people who love and care for her. I hope to expose her to many different cultures, people and ways of thinking to help her become a caring, compassionate citizen of the world. 

Friday, December 4, 2015

Take Time to Listen and Love

"If we all take the time to listen and love each other, this world would be a better place."
~ Mike Love ~

Take Time to Listen and Love

My wife and I attended a Holiday Celebration and Remembrance for people who have lost babies due to miscarriage and other causes last night. This is a time to get together and support each other while we remember the little ones that we either never got to hold or held only briefly. Each passing year when we go to this event and other Remembrances; we see some familiar faces and the unfortunately easy to recognize pain of a recent loss.

Candles lit during the ceremony 
The babies ornaments
Last night was no different. The couple standing in front of us, who my wife and met, had just recently experienced a loss. They were both very nice people and I instantly felt the pain coming from both of them. I watched through the night as people came to her with hugs and kind words while the husband stood close by and supported her.

During one of the times when she was surrounded by people and he was taking a picture of their candle, I walked over and introduced myself. Normally I think I should do this and don’t because I mostly keep to myself. But this time I decided that it was time. No one usually asks the man if he is alright, we are men after all, right? We are supposed to be alright and take care of everything. Well, I know that sometimes we need someone to ask, so I did.

 The most memorable part of the night was listening to a little boy and his Mom talk as they arrived. As they walked up to the table to pick up the ornament they made to remember the little girl she lost, the boy asked “is this where my sister is?” and the Mom replied “no honey, this is where the celebration for her is.” Wow, you never think of having those conversations with a little child but there she was having it.


The thought behind this post is this. Holidays can be a loving, giving, and wonderful time, but they can also be difficult, painful, and stressful. So, check on each other. Be kind to each other. Most of all, love each other. Like it or not, we are all in this together. 

Sunday, November 8, 2015

Short-lived Escape from Reality to Rest and Recharge

"The gigantic tension before the shooting of an arrow, and the total relaxation seconds later, is my way of connecting to the universe."
~ Paulo Coelho ~


Short-lived Escape from Reality to Rest and Recharge

Over the past year and a half I have had a lot of struggles with anxiety, depression, and an overall feeling of being overwhelmed. This has been magnified over the past six months where I been closer to my breaking point many more times than I am comfortable confessing to. Yet here I am putting it out there for the world to see, in the hopes that someone reads this and knows that they are not alone in this ever present struggle.  

In April my wife nervously told me that she was pregnant again after four miscarriages, in August I began a new job working seventy plus hours a week, in September my Mom passed away, and then my Jeep broke down. Besides all of that it was a piece of cake. Well, if that cake was made of crap...

We are getting very close to our due date and both nervously excited, but stress was definitely taking a toll. We needed to get away and unwind so we began the dance with work schedules. Desperately trying to squeeze in a weekend before the baby arrives. neither of us wanted to go somewhere busy, after all, that is what we were trying to escape.

Weekends came and went while life, work, and vacancies eluded us. One day my wife stumbled across a B&B in Jameson, MO called the Marydale Inn that had an open room for the Friday and Saturday after a twelve day stretch at work. It sounded nice and the pictures were inviting, but you never know until you get there what you will find. What we found was instantly feeling welcome and relaxed the minute we walked in and were greeted. 
One of the farm ponds. I caught 5 fish there

It is near Jamesport which is an Amish community, but far enough from everything that you can really unplug. I walked down to one of the farm ponds and fished for a couple of hours yesterday. I caught a fish on the first cast but the best part was becoming part of nature for a little while. Both days began with an amazing full breakfast that we shared with two very nice ladies that were here for the weekend as well. We even had a bagpipe performance on Saturday night by a friend of the hostess who was staying here as well. It is a take your shoes off and make yourself at home kind of place. 

Tomorrow is back to reality and the stress of everyday life but I can assure you that we will come back here and this was a much needed retreat from reality for both of us. It is time to refocus at home and at work and resume my role of husband, father, big brother, boss, coworker etc...but most of all, functioning human being. After all, I have a lot more responsibility coming my way. 
Photo by Phoebe Wilson

Thank you all for being part of my dysfunctional journey. Check out the link to the Marydale Inn below if you are looking for a nice getaway.  


https://www.facebook.com/Marydale-Inn-Bed-Breakfast-140119072690539/?fref=ts

www.marydale.com


Saturday, October 24, 2015

The 100 Days of Happiness Experiment

"Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions."

~ Dalai Lama ~

The 100 Days of Happiness Experiment 

I took part in a 100 Days of Happiness experiment and today is the final day. There were many days that if I had not made a commitment to post every day, that I would have given in to life.This was very challenging and at times I thought I was wasting my time. And then my Mom passed away, I was working too many hours, and anxiety of our pregnancy began to wear on me. Luckily, my wife helped me stay grounded and reminded me when negativity was seeping out.  


Something I came to realize was that it requires all of the other emotions combined to feel happiness and know what is really important. Even during depression periods, there is something to be grateful for. Happiness does not mean everything is perfect, it merely means staying focused on what is important.  

I also did a lot of thinking about my career and purpose. I have always worried about what I was doing not being important. But I have realized that it is not what I am doing, it is what I do while doing what I do that counts. The business side of what I do means very little to me, but I have been afforded the opportunity to help and guide the people that I am managing. I think this group of people has been lacking someone who was concerned with them as people more than just a resource.

So, although I still don't know if it is possible to be realistic and feel happy all the time, I know that is not something that I will experience. But, I will continue to focus on my friends and family and trying to be a good human being. So with that being said, I will call this experiment a success and well worth the investment of 100 days and I suggest giving it an honest go. 

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Goodbye, Farewell, and I Love You! Saying Goodbye to my Mother.

Please bear with me for a bit. A chunk of this was written on the plane coming home from saying goodbye to my mother a week after she passed away. All the while a young boy kicked the back of my chair the entire flight, and I was overwhelmed with a million emotions, and I am partaking in a few adult beverages while I type this. Maybe it is not the best idea but it is my blog and my pain so, deal with it.

This past weekend was physically and mentally draining as well as eye opening. I have always been close to my mother, but like most children I guess I never "really" understood her true impact on the world. To be completely honest, I was humbled and a bit embarrassed. Embarrassed for myself for past feelings of frustration and jealousy towards others.

I have heard other people ever since I was a child call "my" mother Mom, or say that they were her "adopted" children. This always bugged me she was my Mom, not theirs. Especially after my parents moved to Virginia and then I moved my family half way across the country. It was a decision I made with my children's best interest at heart, but it was a tough decision to live with and I always felt guilty about it.

This past weekend I met and listened to people who's lives were affected by my parents. One family in particular that I felt like my children and I were being replaced by and in the past, I did not really understand. Well, I spent time really listening to their testament of what a difference my parents made and that they were given love and hope from them. How could that ever be wrong? I spoke to another "adopted" that were at the point of being evicted until my parents helped them get on track and in my Mom's last days these people were there to help her in any way they could.

I had a long conversation with their priest and members of the community where they live. With whatever faults we all have as human beings, I know that there is a huge void in this community and in many hearts today. It will take a team of people to fill that void. I hope others pick up the torch she lit and carry on the work she did. paying it forward with the less fortunate, the hungry, the misunderstood, and misrepresented.

There are things I selfishly wish she did differently in her life, but that is not for me to say. In the same way; I know she was not happy thinking that I "lost my way from the church" but I hope she ow knows that I am not on a very different path and that it is okay to be spiritual without the religious part. I do not claim to have all the answers but I feel that I do the best that I can. That deep down she knew that.

Most important, I got to spend a few days reconnecting with my Dad. I am comforted that he has a strong bond with his community and that they will watch over him when we can't be there. I will be honest, I don't know how he can be so strong. They were married for 53 years and my wife and I have only been together for 5 years. I do not want to walk a day on this earth without her, so I can only imagine the pain he feels.

In closing I would like to thank my family and friends who have allowed me to see by their light while mine has been dim. One thing is for sure; the deeper the love, the stronger the pain. Take this opportunity and if you love someone, tell them. Do not wait until tomorrow because they might not be there. If you are a part of my life I want to thank you for being there for me.

Saturday, September 5, 2015

Struggling to Remain Positive in a Painful World

Struggling to Remain Positive in a Painful World

I have not written a blog post in a while and I am sorry that this is not a happy post. The fact is that no  matter how positive you try to be, sometimes life just sucks.

I have worked extremely hard for years to remain positive and to pass that on to others. Why is it that every time in my life that something good happens or that I acknowledge something good that something bad happens? I am all about balance but this is not how it is supposed to work.

I finally let my guard down and decided that it was okay to be more excited than nervous about the pregnancy and I get the news that my Mother has had a heart attack and massive stroke. I thought she was in the hospital getting some tests done and things went really bad, really fast. I don't think anyone saw this coming, if they did they sure didn't let on.

It feels like it has been this way my whole life. every time something good happens, it is immediately countered by an event to keep me from thinking I can really be happy. How else am I supposed to look at it? Good and bad always go together, right?

She will not get to meet her new grandchild or great granddaughter. I have beat myself up for years for moving my children so far away so they could not grow up around more of their family. I have always had their best interest at heart but may not have always made the best decisions in the process.

I feel bad for my Dad who has known nothing but being with my mom all of their lives. He has many good friends around him but his life will never be whole again.



Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Finding our Peace with Packs

“With mindfulness, you can establish yourself in the present in order to touch the wonders of life that are available in that moment.”
~ Nhat Hanh ~


Finding our Peace with Packs


Definition of mind·ful·ness
mīn(d)f(ə)lnəs/
Noun
1.       the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something.
"their mindfulness of the wider cinematic tradition"
2.       a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.


I have been participating in a class called Peace with Packs which is a six week class at the main shelter of KC Pet Project focusing on mindfulness and I want to share this experience with you. The idea behind the class is to explore the symbiotic benefits of the human-canine bond in a one on one and a pack setting. This is very beneficial to the humans in attendance while also benefiting the shelter dogs who themselves may be feeling stress, anxiety and trust issues from their past experience. 

The facilitators of the class are Anthony Barnett (10 years of experience working with dogs) who got the idea while he was outside hanging with a group of dogs, Jill Reese who is a licensed therapist, and Matt Holt who runs the playgroups at KC Pet Project. 
Being in an area with or walking a dog, and simply being there; not adding any energy to the situation by clapping or calling the dog, simply being present and in the moment. If the dog avoids you during this time it is important to be an observer and be present with your senses. What do you notice about the dogs fur, face, ears, eyes, and so on?

The dog I was with the first time did not come to me and the first thing I noticed was his eyes. He looked somewhat sad, withdrawn and unsure when I walked in and sat down in the chair. He walked around and got a little closer each time but never came over to me until we all went into one play yard and he brushed my leg on the way by but that was the extent of it. 

The second time with an individual dog just happened to be with a dog that was new to the shelter he was not sure about me at first (I assure you that most dogs like me). We eventually got time to interact during an exercise but until then, my mind did not wander from the space and present moment I was occupying. I watched the dog explore, the bugs, birds, plants, and even the berries that fell from the tree. Everything remained clear to me for a short time and my mind did not wander.

It is interesting to be in with a pack of dogs and be present as they explore the area, each other, and the humans with them. Some play with each other, while one or two seek the attention of the humans and one retreats to a quiet spot under a table to observe. I first was amused by everything going on and then felt relaxed to be simply observing. Someone asked why one of the dogs had purple spots on her and I thought of the berries that dropped out of the tree earlier, she had rolled on the ground while playing.

During the fourth class we did a mindfulness walk, during which we followed Matt and one of the dogs. The whole object was to let the dog lead and stay in the moment as an observer. I noticed every rock I stepped on like the soles of my shoes were paper thin (not in a painful way), the trees turn out to be more dimensional with additional shades of green, and I observed the creek that runs under the bridge. I was aware of the passing cars and other noises but in a brief, undistracted way. I am realizing that being mindful does not always mean that everything is perfect and Zen like. Sometimes it is simply being aware that things are not perfect and how that is affecting your body.

The last class was a mindfulness walk on our own with a dog. The dog I walked with a nine month old extremely sweet Pit Bull named Flamingo, who thankfully was adopted this weekend. It was very different walking mindfully while holding the leash, because now you are responsible for that dog but trying to be mindful. Once we got near the street I could see that she was somewhat nervous, so we stayed around the driveway area, which was fine because we were not there to do anything. 

I have been practicing with my own dog and I have noticed that walks are better if I stay mindful and relaxed. If I feel pressed for time or frustrated, he definitely responds by being tense with me and our walks tend to stall somewhere along the way. He has moments where he freezes up and if I react with anything but patience, he takes longer to snap out of it. So again, my dog is my mindfulness teacher and the great thing about dogs is, you can tell them anything. They will not judge you or make fun of you and they can't tell anyone what you said.     




Resource List:


KC Pet Project: 4400 Raytown Road KCMO 64129


KCPP Mission
To end the killing of healthy and treatable pets in Kansas City, Missouri by using the most progressive and lifesaving programs and promoting effective animal control policies.

__  __  __  __


GameDog Guardian:

The Game Dog Guardian

Why “Game Dog Guardian”?
My respect for the pit bull does not come from his ability to lash out at the world, but rather his ability to stay the course when the world lashes out at him.

__  __  __  __


Symbiotic Behavioral Treatment Center:

Anthony Barnett TED Talk: https://youtu.be/zK2HD9a2EjQ
Our Mission: To enhance the mental health and well-being of people through evidenced-based treatment and to aid in the physical and psychological recovery of abused and traumatized dogs with interactive training and the application of the human-canine bond in a therapeutic environment.




Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Time to Get My Ass out of the Well; a year in the hole

“Without a struggle, there can be no progress.”
~ Frederick Douglass ~




Time to Get My Ass out of the Well; a year in the hole

The first story below sums up the way I have felt the past year (at least up to the shaking it off part). For the better part of a year I have been slipping into a deep hole of anxiety, depression, and uncertainty. The frustrating part is that some of what keeps pushing me back in that hole is out of my control and some is in my head. I know better than to live in the past or future but my overactive brain drags me around in the dirt sometimes.


One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well.
The animal cried for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over & help him. They all grabbed a dirt & began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey didn’t realized what was happening & cried horribly. Then, to everyone’s amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel ­of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off & take a step up. As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off & take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well & happily trotted off..!!!


If you deal with anxiety you know that even when things start to go your way, it causes anxiety. Sometimes it is that you have been kicked in the junk just enough that you have a hard time picturing anything going right. Maybe it is simply your anxious brain over processing every scenario that could possibly happen. I want to be positive and in the moment and at times that is a constant challenge for me.

Whatever the future holds for me, and it feels like there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I have to climb out of this hole I have dug for myself. It is nowhere to try to live a life from and I have spent way too much of my life in dark places. Being what I refer to as functionally depressed is a challenge all in itself. I show up every day, I try to be as positive as possible, and be there for others while in constant turmoil.

This post is categorically not about seeking pity or sympathy. It is a reminder to take a mental inventory of yourself and the people close to you periodically. Also, it is a reminder to myself that just because I see daylight, it does not mean I am in the clear. I have to keep a constant vigil and continue stepping up when the dirt gets shoveled in on me.

There is another story that I remember from West Wing that I really like, that I would like to share. Leo McGarry (who was one of my favorite characters) is trying to explain to Josh that he understands what he is going through and will stick by him. It starts out like a three guys walk in to a bar joke.  

This guy's walking down a street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep, he can't get out. A doctor passes by, and the guy shouts up, "Hey you, can you help me out?" The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a priest comes along, and the guy shouts up "Father, I'm down in this hole, can you help me out?" The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a friend walks by. "Hey Joe, it's me, can you help me out?" And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, "Are you stupid? Now we're both down here." The friend says, "Yeah, but I've been down here before, and I know the way out."   

The spirit of both stories and of this post is to serve as a reminder that you are not alone in how you feel or what you are going through and there is always a way out. Find a person who understands you that you can talk to, or even just send a message to on the really tough days. Don’t try to carry the load by yourself or one day it will engulf you.  


Final note: Being compassionate and empathetic is critical to our survival as a society, but you must practice these qualities with yourself as well. Thank you for reading this and being part of my crooked, rocky trail. 

Thursday, May 14, 2015

What if? The question that ends too many a dreams.

“A sobering thought: what if, at this very moment, I am living up to my full potential?”
~ Jane Wagner ~


What if?  The question that ends too many a dreams.



What if I am living up to my full potential? What if, this is all there is? What if I never get a chance to do the things that are in my heart? These are three of a million What ifs that almost any one of us could ask every day. I know that I have and continue to wonder about my full potential and possible impact on the world if I step out from behind fear and doubt.

I often wonder if I will run out of time to fulfill my What ifs. I hope with all my heart that my children learn from my mistakes and examples to go for their dreams. Looking back I would rather deal with consequences than regrets. Sometimes we get pulled into the vacuum of responsibility and we are left to wonder if too much time has passed. If we are prisoners of our past debt and failures, never to be free to simply Go for it.

I have decided to really try to focus on the more positive What ifs without (too much) fear or regret. As part of this new plan I have created a Facebook page titled WhAt If? It can be found at https://www.facebook.com/pages/What-if/1580563155526130 . My hope is that with this page and blog that I can affect at least two people. One being that one person I hoped to help when I first started my blog, by reading it and thinking that they are not so screwed up after all, the other being me. This may sound selfish but by making a commitment to only post in a positive manner, it helps me stay on track.

Does that mean that I will never post about being depressed? Well no, because I also strive to be honest and depression is a real thing. It also does not mean that I won’t post about serious issues and things that are not always pleasant. My goal is to always look for a positive way to be part of the solution, keeping energy focused on the issue while not getting involved in blame or judgement.

I have a tendency to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders (so I am told). So, I tend to distance myself from sources of negativity when I am able to. This includes the media, television, certain people, situations, or places but this is not always possible or realistic. The human body is made of energy and negative energy, in my opinion seems to travel faster and more freely so it is critical to attract positive energy.  

Well, if you are still reading, Thank you! This may come across as a soap box rant but I hope it made you think about something positive.

Have a quality day!

~ E ~ 

Monday, April 20, 2015

A Bag of Jelly Beans, Oscar the Grouch and a Friend I Will Never Forget

"A Friend is someone who reaches for your hand, but touches your heart."
~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery ~


Jelly Beans, Oscar the Grouch and a Friend I Will Never Forget



This is a short and different post to honor a friend who I only knew for a short time but who made a tremendous impact on my life. I have written him a note and decided to share it for whomever would like to read it. His name was Paul and I knew him when I was in High School. Paul’s parents were told that he probably would not live to two years old. He had a brain tumor, was blind and half paralyzed, yet let none of this define him. Although he (in my opinion) had every reason to be angry at the world, he was always joking and smiling. I was there the day he passed and got a chance to talk to him. I will never know if he heard what I said but when I put my hand on his, he clasped my fingers ever so weakly. My hope for you is that some time in your life you will have a friend like Paul. No matter how short the physical part lasts.


Dear Paul,
It has been so very long since I talked to you last but I think about you all the time. From going for walks and later pushing you in your wheelchair (with Oscar the Grouch) to the store for jelly beans, there was never a dull moment. From getting into mischief together to later standing by your side while you moved on to a place of no more pain, I will never forget you. You showed us how to live to the fullest and never let other’s set limitations on you. For someone who had every right to be angry you always had a smile, a joke to share and you enjoyed life. I know that you had your bad days when you suffered but your light always shined through. There was never any having to guess what was on your mind because you told it like it was.




You had more guts and fight in your little finger than most people have in their whole body (myself included). There have been many times that I wish I could sit down and talk to you, hear some of your jokes and listen to you laugh at them. You always cracked yourself up! You were truly one of the most genuine people I have ever met in my life. My life has been forever changed by knowing you and I believe that I am a better person since our paths crossed. Thank you for being my friend and for allowing me to be yours. 

Friday, April 3, 2015

Odie, the Adoption Chapter; One Adoption Down and One to Go!

"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."

~ Roger Caras ~

Odie, the Adoption Chapter; One Adoption Down and One to Go!

Friday was Odie’s second visit to the clinic to begin month number two of heart worm treatment. As the title gives away and due to the fact that I am not good at keeping secrets, he is officially part of our family. I do not consider myself a dog owner, but more of a person who is lucky enough to have a dog for a friend.
Adoption photo at the shelter

Odie's new toy and Rocky checking it out
He is doing very well and making great progress. We have been taking our time with everything and he is settling into a routine quite nicely. At first I was not too sure about keeping him in the kennel so much but it has worked very well. When he was out of the kennel we had him tethered to different areas in the living room and this allowed for gradual and calculated interactions with our cat. I would not say that they are best buds yet but they both know that each other belongs there now.  I think Rocky might have even missed him while we were out of town and Odie was not around.

Daddy, daughter moment

Odie at a horse event with Erin

We are always working on socialization skills with people and other dogs that we meet on our walks around the neighborhood and park. I sometimes have to explain to him that some people do not understand how to let their dogs meet other dogs and as long as he is behaving, it is not his fault if they can’t be friends. We have met and talked to a lot of people and dogs who have rescued each other. He is a good conversation starter.

His confidence seems to be growing all the time and he is quite curious while we are out. I call it nosy, but my wife (who is also curious) assures me that it is curiosity. The only other animal that he reacts to although mostly as a passing interest would be rabbits. I am thinking that they might have been more than a few dinners while he was out fending for himself. We have walked within a couple of feet of the ducks and geese and he could care less.

This past Tuesday he really displayed his progress when my wife was walking him. They were almost home and he went on alert looking up the street. There was a lose Jack Russell at the corner and he was heading straight at them. My wife tried to get him to cut through the neighbor’s yard but he stood his ground. She talked to him and patted his head and kept the leash lose while this very high energy Terrier ran around him sniffing. Odie watched him run circles around him but remained calm until the owner came and got the dog. He was apologetic and thankful for Odie’s patience.

Chillin with my boy' 

I am looking forward to when he completes his treatment and is 100% healthy so we can start taking little runs and go hiking. I am already enjoying the time that we can sit on the floor and spend some quality time with him. It is exciting to be able to be part of his story and have him as part of our family. Thank you KC Pet Project for all that you do and for the opportunity to meet so many great people and animals in the past few months! 

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Approach without judgement, always practice compassion and remember that we rarely know the real story!

"An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind." - Mahatma Gandhi



Approach without judgement, always practice compassion and remember that we rarely know the real story!  

  So, you have a cause or something that you feel passionate about? What is the best way to champion that cause? Too many times all of our energy is not focused on who or what we want to make better. We instead tend to focus on fighting the problem, the issue, the unkind person or thing that caused the “whatever we are trying to fix”. If we launch a “war on” mentality to any issue, we are giving that part of the issue most of our energy. Bear with me here for a minute. All I am trying to say is think before you react either physically or verbally. Focus on making the whole situation better, not merely switching the consequences.

There is a quote that I really like and feel strongly about by Ashleigh Brilliant goes “Be kind to unkind people. They need it the most”. I am not suggesting we become doormats or let everyone get away with everything. I am suggesting that we work to find the root cause of things and discontinue the endless cycles that benefit no one. Rise above the level of what caused the situation and be strong enough to help others rise as well. Education is where I feel our focus and energy needs to be the most. I do not mean just schooling and homework education, but specific education to eliminate fear and prejudices from our society. But how is this possible? I feel it begins with approaching situations with positive energy and understanding.  

Your cause may be animal abuse and neglect and you hear that someone left a dog chained up, hardly fed him, and used physical force to “teach him to behave”. Your first reaction might be to want to string this person up and beat him to show him how wrong he was, but you are now on their level. Remember that a child abuser was almost always an abused child. Many times a bully is an insecure person who lashes out at others to feel powerful. In all of these cases action must be taken and the person or animal needs to be removed from the situation and receive help, but don’t stop there. In a bullying situation, if a person is being a bully because they are bigger and stronger than you and I walk up and simply handle the situation with force then I am simply reinforcing the bully’s conviction. I have stopped you from being bullied, but created another bully…me.


I know life is not lollipops and sunshine and some people are only interested in causing harm. My hope is that we can change how we react to these events and break cycles. Punishment is not always the answer and hatred is never a positive emotion. As I have said, it is about breaking cycles and breaking down walls. Learn about what scares you or what you do not understand. Approach without judgement, always practice compassion and remember that we rarely know the real story!  

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

We know so little about each other, but it feels like our souls have been friends forever.

"The only creatures that are evolved enough to convey pure love are dogs and infants."

~ Johnny Depp ~


We know so little about each other, but it feels like our souls have been friends forever


Since my last post I have begun a new chapter in my life, I have gotten involved with KC Pet Project as a volunteer. They are a wonderful organization dedicated to the quality of lives of Kansas City animals. They are committed to saving lives of animals and creating a no kill community in the Kansas City area. Their mission is: To end the killing of healthy and treatable pets in Kansas City, Missouri by using the most progressive and lifesaving programs and promoting effective animal control policies.
For the most part I thought I would walk some dogs and satisfy the lack of a dog in my life for a while. Well that is how it started until the Saturday that I went to help with pictures. Saturdays at the shelter are hectic to say the least with potential adopters, people whisking dogs in and out to get their pictures taken and all the regular activity. This Saturday was no exception until I went to kennel 60A to bring Odie out. I knew nothing about him except I saw immediately that he was shy and overwhelmed in the shelter setting. I got him out of the building and he cringed or jumped at every noise. I took him to the play yards where the photographer was and since he was nervous we went to the far back section away from everything.
 I believe he has found his home. 

We hung out there for a while and all he wanted to do was be close to me and get his ears scratched. Since we were way down the end we got overlooked for a little while which was fine because we were just hanging out. We did his pictures and after a little bit I had to take him back to his kennel, but I made him a promise before I did. He looked up at me, almost through to my soul and I promised him that everything was going to be okay. I had no idea how to keep that promise but he needed to know that his troubles were soon to be a thing of the past. Whether or not he understood anything I said I have no idea, but we connected that morning.   
I thought about him a lot after I left and looked up his bio and found out as much as I could about him. I was determined to get him adopted and started posting pictures. I sent my wife a text in the middle of the day that said “I want to adopt Odie” knowing that we probably couldn't for one reason or another. I was walking in to see her that night going over all the reason why I could not have what I wanted and she said “so you really want to adopt him? Maybe we could look into it.” Hmm, didn't expect that. There were a lot of things that have to happen if this is going to work and what better way to find out but to foster him while he does his heart worm treatment?
Leaving the shelter for a day out!

I talked to my wife about taking him out for the day; the first plan was to get him a bath since he got pepe’ lepued before he got picked up. We took him to an awesome place called Brookside Barkery and Bath (if you have a dog and live in the KC area please go see these people). By the end of this day he was settling into a kennel again but it was in our house, the fostering coming a little sooner than we expected. This took the cat a little by surprise so we are being careful to allow them both to acclimate and hopefully become good friends.
Kristen and Odie getting to know each other

Walking on the Trolley Trail before his bath
Bath time! 


On one of the walks I took him on in the first couple of days he was walking with his head down, like he does at times; we are working to build his confidence up. He looked up at me not unlike a child seeking approval and I told him that yes he was a good boy. He perked right up and pranced around me and then sat directly in front of me and looked again into my soul and this time I saw into his. He is a beautiful soul and for that brief moment, I thought I saw the soul of my very first dog and best friend for the first fifteen years of my life. 

Stay tuned for some more news and thank you for reading!

Thursday, February 19, 2015

My 20 Day; Out with the Bad, in with the Good, Straighten Myself Out, Modify my Habits, Detox Thing

“You leave old habits behind by starting out with the thought, 'I release the need for this in my life'.”
~ Wayne Dyer ~



My 20 Day Out with the Bad, in with the Good, Straighten Myself Out, Modify my Habits, Detox Thing


Today is the halfway point of my 20 day out with the bad, in with the good, straighten myself out, modify my habits, detox thing. It is not a diet except in definition because your diet is what you eat, not what you do without. A lot of people don’t understand what I am doing (aka, eating real foods, cutting out processed food and sugar and alcohol) to which I attempt to educate them if they are so inclined. I am “doing without” putting garbage in my body which is also helping me get my head clearer because I am not beating myself up for feeling bad about what I am eating or drinking and in turn eating or drinking because I feel bad. I have also been throwing in some short meditation sessions as well.  

As I stated in my last post; I have been sliding down a slippery slope of eating things I knew were not good for me and having a couple of drinks a night. All the time “justifying” bad habits because I was feeling depressed, tired, or just not good. Knowing all the time that the items I was putting in my body were causing some of the physical symptoms while feeding the bad feeling I was having mentally. Since life is cyclical you would think that we would cut these habits and trends off quicker, but most times we are too smart for our own good. When we are having a bad day; we will climb an extra flight of stairs, take a walk later, and do better tomorrow and so on until these behaviors are the new habit.

I have only had one really bad day when I thought I might fall hard off the wagon and that day was yesterday. My sister and I have a saying that depression is like “losing my speed and going to my dark place” which is where I was headed yesterday. Luckily I drove straight to the gym and ran a mile on the track and did 100 Bosu push ups with my “angry music” blaring into my head the whole time. This did not fix everything but it got me through the rough spot enough to go home and have dinner and stay on track. I have found that installing stop gaps such as working out, running and sometimes just deep breathing helps me immensely to temporarily stop a behavior.


All of this rambling stuff aside I just wanted to update anyone who might be interested in my progress. Some subjects that I am pondering for future blogs; my recent volunteering at a no kill animal shelter called KC Pet Projects, bans on things that people don’t understand like Pit-bulls and a trip to Minnesota to pace a friend on a 100 mile trail race, and a possible birthday hiking adventure. Stay tuned and thank you for reading along!      

Friday, February 6, 2015

20 Days of Synergy for Mind, Body and Spirit


"When the mind, body, and spirit work together, I believe anything is possible."

~ Criss Angel ~

20 Days of Synergy for Mind, Body and Spirit

I am in need of a radical refocus of mind, body, and spirit. I have been anything but focused and continue to push through each day somewhat misguided. Not only struggling with nutritional and exercise decisions but my energy has been so low and difficult to remain positive. The best way to describe it would be like a forecast; mostly cloudy with patchy fog and ever present chances of quicksand. Granted I have made some small improvements but not anything close to what I should be making. Knowing myself the way I do, I realize cutting back or small adjustments will be useless at this point.



So, radical change it is then. Beginning on Monday February 9th I will begin a 20 day sugar detox. I have done this before and it allows be to lay down specific guidelines and to be strict with myself. It will include processed sugar, processed foods, and alcohol. I created a list of acceptable and off limit items as well as a few things that will be allowed in controlled circumstances. I have also decided to try to add in at least 15 minutes of meditation each of the 20 days.

Challenge areas will include but are not limited to; feeling tired (ongoing from not sleeping well), doughnuts and pastries that are brought in to work, stress from my crappy job, and a couple of beers after work. I do not plan on using these events or thoughts as excuses like I have been doing, I intend to be aware of them and act accordingly instead of reacting to them. Therein lies the challenge ahead of me.

Much like most things in life I have been in a cycle of the outcome being the result of my reaction to an event. The only way to change the outcome is to change the reaction to the event since it is usually difficult to change the event itself. This is where I hope the meditation comes into play. I will not be looking for miracles through meditation, but instead, I will be working on creating space to allow me to react in a more desirable and healthier manor.

By cutting processed sugar and foods I am hoping to shock my body and brain into making better decisions and feeling better as well. Thus, breaking the bad decision cycle where I can say to myself “oh well, today is shot anyway” or using my poor energy level as an excuse. I don’t know about you but the worse I feel either mentally or physically, the worse my decision outcome is. So it drags me further down. This brings be to spirit; feeling better both mentally and physically with some space created around myself and my stressors. The better I feel, the better decisions I make.


What could be so hard about doing something for 20 days? Well, doing something for 20 days that’s what! I guess starting Monday I will be taking one day at a time for 20 days. Watching what I eat and drink, continue with workouts and running, meditating and spending time with the dogs at the shelter making the time they wait to be adopted as good as it can be. Stay tuned and if you have to deal with me in person for the rest of this month…sorry and thanks!   

Monday, January 19, 2015

Running Free and in the Moment

"It is through gratitude for the present moment that the spiritual dimension of life opens up."
~ Eckhart Tolle ~

 "The ability to be in the present moment is a major component of mental wellness."
~ Abraham Maslow ~


Running Free and in the Moment

It has been a little while since my last blog post. I have made a couple of decisions and with the New Year started and I am ready to share some of them. First and foremost, I plan to write more and focus on the present moment. I only need to take care of one moment at a time, because that is the only moment that is guaranteed. If we always take care on the present moment the future is nothing other than a moment to be focused on when it arrives. Therefore the past is a moment that is bygone and we can do nothing except learn from it.

Like most people I have buried myself with expectations and feeling that I need to prove myself. Ignoring the realization that each time I am setting myself up for stress and frustration. Not so much because I cannot accomplish whatever goal I set but because most where not my goals in the first place and my heart was not in it. Goals are great and like most things have their place in the big picture. Which brings me back around to the beginning again. I like to run to relieve stress, so, what sense does it make to make running stressful? Running and exercise are an instrumental tool for me when dealing with anxiety and depression. So again, why would I continue to make the activity anything less than enjoyable?

I kept a running journal of every mile I have run since Sept 2011 without fail. Plotted every route and how far I needed or should go, always expecting more. It was a tremendous tool while I learned how to become a runner and find out what worked and what did not. Seeing the miles build up to my first half marathon which I unequivocally stated at the finish line “I will never do this again!” Okay, so I did three more after that. I spent a year from July 2012 to June 2013 running 1000 miles for the Wounded Warrior Project. I liked that better than training for a race because I simply had to average twenty miles a week for a year. My last race was a 25K which I finished dead last, and mentally I feel better about it that most of the other races. I did not care as long as I finished and had a good attitude.

I missed valuable messages from myself that began two years ago in notes that said “after this race I run because I want to, not because I have to”. Pretty tough code to crack, huh? I guess I saw some of these notes as weak moments and ignored them. After all, our society teaches us to always strive for more and the second we cross the finish line to ask “What’s Next?” If it is truly your goal I say, go for it! If not then leave it alone. Since making this decision I have passed my Garmin off to my wife, closed my journal and I have started 2015 be Running Free! Running because I enjoy it and it helps to keep me centered and in the moment. No races, no training schedules or stressful reasons to “have to” run. I have proven to myself that I do not need a training schedule to get out and do it, as a matter of fact it is actually a deterrent for me. I will still meet friends for runs and help them train or by crewing or pacing them in their races and volunteer at races.

Lastly, I enjoy serving others and plan to start volunteering at KC Pet Project but at the same time I need to focus on me a little more. That does not come easy or naturally for me and it will not be something that I will always feel good about, but it is important.


Until next time, remember that we are all part of this universe and we more alike than different.  

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