“And then there is the most dangerous risk of all – the risk of spending your life not doing what you want on the bet you can buy yourself the freedom to do it later.”
~ Randy Komisar ~
The Battle between Responsibility and Happiness
I once again find myself in the battle to stick with what I have always been taught; to take the responsible route versus taking risks. Those of you who have been reading know that change scares the crap out of me; also I have never been a big risk taker. My father’s words of “better the devil you know than the devil you don’t know” constantly ring out in my head. Sometimes I feel that my characteristics of loyalty and responsibility are as much a flaw as a quality. Maybe the correct way to put it is that they might be a quality to others and a flaw to me. Another thing you might know is that I took somewhat of a leap at the end of 2008 and left my full time job to pursue a career in fitness, only to return to my old company in 2010. Although I guess you can say I tried; it boils down to some bad luck, some politics within a certain organization and my failure to take a leap when one real opportunity presented itself. There are no moral victories here; as a matter of fact I can not stand that term. The fact is, I fall back into the “same is safe” routine. Lately I have been giving this a lot of thought. I have come to realize that nothing about my current job makes me happy. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful that I have been able to raise my girls and pay my bills over the years. That is where it ends though. Not that I expect a thing or person to be responsible to make me happy but it should not suck the life out of me either.
This brings me to my dilemma. I don’t have a problem with hard work as a matter of fact I like it; if it only had a purpose. I picture us living in a small place somewhere in the country with nice views where I can head out my door and jump on a trail. In doing what I thought was right years ago my daughters and I are in the Midwest while the rest of my family is on the east coast. I take pleasure in helping people realize a better quality of life, while spreading compassion and non-judgment wherever possible. Idealistic maybe but I know how much energy I have when I am passionate about something and I know how little I have when I am not. I recognize the slide I get on when my energy level is down and I begin to let anxiety and stress take hold of my mind. Once this happens it affects my training, workouts and food choices which then add to the slide. So why don’t I do something about it you ask? Hmm, hold on I am thinking…That would require a leap of faith and confidence in me to be able to maintain my ability to provide for my family while paying off debt and take risks. I have had a couple of friends tell me to “go for it”, “it is not worth it if you are not happy”, and one even told me “screw the devil you know”. All good advice that I promise I am really thinking about and looking into possibilities.
There is a lot at stake so I will not act harshly but I am definitely looking at things with an open mind. This summer will bring changes either way. The last thing I want to find out that I “would have, could have and should have” until it was too late. Stay tuned as training picks up with the biggest and most difficult races of my life coming up this summer and fall. While I continue to try to decide what I want to be when I grow up.