Have you ever thought about suicide or hurting yourself or others?

"Hopelessness is a feeling. It's not a fact."
~ Anohni ~

Have you ever thought about suicide or hurting yourself or others?

A common question from medical and mental health professional people is; “Have you ever thought of suicide or hurting yourself or others?”   I used to answer this with a quick “no” or “of course not” until recently. I have since heard myself say “well, I have thought about the act of suicide, but never planned my own”, half-jokingly “I’ve got too many responsibilities for that” and most recently, “Only to the length that if I was to do something; I would have to find a way to make it look like an accident (without doubt) to assure that loved ones were not burdened with my debt. Next, I am an organ donor and want to donate everything possible so it could not be messy.” Later that day I found myself looking at the Crisis Hotline information. I stopped and digested the events of the day. So…would that be a yes?

So then the question arises; what if a person’s sense of responsibility and do not want loved ones hurt is the only reason to push on every day?  I used to think that was enough, but I know there needs to be more. Somehow, I'm pretty sure now that I have to be part of that reason, but I'm not sure how to do that? Somehow I guess I need to figure that piece out. 

I am not sure where things go from here. I guess I take one day at a time.  One thing is for sure, this week is the first time I was completely honest about how I felt. The first time I did not say "I'm fine" or "I'm okay" when asked, "how are you doing?" I do consider myself to be lucky in that, I have a few people who are willing to take the time to be there for me and check on me. This is so valuable to have and you need to appreciate and hold on to people like that.  To those people, thank you for having a good heart and being special.