When the Wheels Fall Off

 When the Wheels Fall Off

So, it’s been a while since I’ve done any serious writing on here. I have to warn you that the posts to come are going to be pretty unfiltered and real. I went back and forth if I should be so open about some of the things I’ve been dealing with and the process of trying to find a healthy solution to get out of it. I realize this is a public forum and anyone can read this and possibly use some things against me. Here is the thing, I made a commitment years ago when I started this blog to be open and honest. If someone reads something on here and does not want to be around me, offer me a job or anything else, Fuck them.

 It is hard to say when the wheels started to fall of this time. I have been in a deep, dark, unforgiving hole for years. Depression which has been a product of unresolved grief, guilt, loneliness, poor decisions and anxiety. Ten years ago, I went against everything I said I would never do again and got remarried. Part of me thought I had to take one more chance at being happy and another part was trying to make someone else happy. The first was short lived and the second turned out to be achievable. It sounds harsh but, once again the other person got what they wanted and had little use for me after that.

Many times, I have felt so alone and lost, and I am still unsure if I am capable of feeling real happiness. I have been reminded that I have people in my life who care and support me. When a person is in the quicksand of depression, it is easy to forget that they are not alone. This is one reason I share my story in a public way. If one person reads it and it gets them to reach out, it is well worth it. If you don’t reach out, you may not know who is there for you.

It hit me pretty hard to think about the failed relationships, including two marriages, but I do have three beautiful daughters who have been a blessing. There are times when thinking about my girls was a lifeline for me. They are so strong and have taught me so much. It is difficult to say where I’d be without them, or if I would still be here.   

I have realized that until you say something out loud or write it down, it may not really hit home. I was asked if I had ever thought about suicide by someone I trust very much. As I listened to myself talk I began to look at things a little differently. I started out by saying, “I don’t think so, well, I have never had a plan. I remember thinking as a teenager that it would kill my Mom if I did anything to myself.” Then, half joking “if I did, I’d have to make it look like an accident so the insurance would take care of my daughter, at it would have to be on my bike so insurance would pay that off, and I am an organ donor so it couldn’t be too messy” There was one night I was lying in bed thinking about calling a friend, but I could not decide if I wanted her to come get the key to my gun case or make an excuse for her to take my dog so he wouldn’t be scared. Fuck me, I have thought about this a little.

After the last one I did lock up my guns and give the keys to a friend for a couple of weeks, just as a precaution. Not that I was going to do anything but it was for piece of mind that I was taking some action and had a little control of what was going on. I have since put the crisis hotline number in my contacts, in favorites so it is easily accessible. I have not needed it but it is there.

Okay, so that is a lot to digest. Now for the next steps. I am taking a break from drinking and I start the real work tonight. More to come. Thank you for reading and to all who have supported me and been there for me, I love you!